Empath or.....not?

A couple life encounters lately have increased my curiosity about empathy. Particularly, how it applies to me and if do or don't consider myself an empath. It should probably be noted that I've gone into this with the assumption that I don't consider myself an empath. I've heard my boyfriend talk about, and seen, how he gets "caught up" in other's emotions. When someone feels something, he very literally feels it too. When I'm down, he feels down. When I'm happy, his emotional tone adjusts to reflect that.

It's not something I relate to. The experience of feeling "inside someone else's head" or feeling that deep and intense resonance to how their feeling is a very, very exceptional (in both senses; rare and amazing) experience for me. If anything, I frequently feel emotionally discordant with what's going on around me. When a crowd is going wild, I don't find myself getting inadvertently swept up in it. When someone is sitting in front of me crying, I (usually) don't start crying too.

That said, I feel it's also important to note that I consider myself a very relatable, very sympathetic person. In many ways, I've made my life a study of people. I've recently come to realize more fully how intentionally I position myself socially to be on the edges, or even outside, of groups so that I can observe better (that also partially stems from being highly uncomfortable with attention). I'm very observant and highly analytical. In (almost, let's not be too general) any conversation I'm paying constant and detailed attention to the flow and energy, how people are interacting, watching their reactions (and I seem to derive more amusement out of picking up on quirks or funny reactions than most people), and getting a sense for the dynamic and balance of the conversation. But that doesn't mean I am literally feeling the emotions around me.

Further, I seem to find myself frequently playing the role of confidant. I am good conveying to people that I understand, that I relate, and giving sensible and trustworthy advice (not the best, but better than many). I consider it to be a nod to my ability to make people feel safe and comfortable around me; personable is a word I've frequently heard people describe me as. It probably also has something to do with, despite having an admittedly "sheltered" background, I've kind of been a few places in life. I've been through a pretty broad range of things and been around a lot of different types of people in several places and situations.

So given my ability to relate, but not feel; sympathize, but not empathize, does that entirely mean I'm not an empath? I think it comes down to how you define a few things. Unfortunately, it also depends a lot of how I see myself in the context of others, which is difficult to peg down because it's a vision jaded with the bias of my self-perception and the fact that I am many different sides of myself around many different people.

I little poking around online and it does seem that there is an accepted distinction between emotional intelligence and empathy. Given the points I made earlier, I do consider myself to be a person who is fairly (my ego would say highly) emotionally intelligent. But my ability to relate to and pin point and act intelligently in accordance with others emotions often comes only very deliberately. During the course of an intense discussion, I find myself stepping back and thinking myself through what I'm hearing. "Ok, they say this makes them feel like this.....that must FEEL like ______ (pause to let the applied emotion set it), hm, ok that might because of this other thing they told me, and probably also means they're sensitive/averse to/effected by this other thing......" and so on. Very conscious, very deliberate. But also, usually, not too far off.

So this seems to become a question of the role intent plays in empathy. Many seem to describe it as natural, organic (even genetic), something that people inherently possess, and seems to be often also bring up allusions to psychic powers of "sensing" a person's true and hidden emotions. It seems to be considered an innate force.

Doesn't sound like me.

Yet when it comes to nature and feeling my surroundings, I seem to fit the empathy label better. I'm highly environmentally sensitive. I can "feel" a room, and be effected by its atmosphere and vibe very strongly. Consequently, when I find a space I like, I tend to LOVE it (and vice versa). I personally think this also coincides with loving being outside and a part of nature. But I've never really connected this to my ability to communicate with and understand people.

So am I an empath? Probably not. Is that a bad thing? Not really; it doesn't mean that I don't care about people, or that I'm not a good leader, or not creative, or not a good listener. Yet, my understanding is that empathy carries with it socially positive connotations. Those that are sensitive and able to feel with others are perceived as caring and lots of other good stuff.

Regardless, I'm happy with myself, however I am. I do realize that I tend to get blocked by my own emotions, but my ability to step back and logic out how other people are feeling has its benefits. I don't lose control of how I'm feeling in the presence of other emotions. And I'm able to remain sensible in otherwise highly emotional situations (unless the situation directly revolves around me, in which case all hope of sensibility is almost lost). And I'm able to provide perspective to those that are stuck in a particular emotional place that they don't want to be. I can adjust my focus to where they're act while still maintaining my internal emotional spectrum and thus help guide them and show them other ways to see and feel things.

Pros and cons, pros and cons....