Empath or.....not?

A couple life encounters lately have increased my curiosity about empathy. Particularly, how it applies to me and if do or don't consider myself an empath. It should probably be noted that I've gone into this with the assumption that I don't consider myself an empath. I've heard my boyfriend talk about, and seen, how he gets "caught up" in other's emotions. When someone feels something, he very literally feels it too. When I'm down, he feels down. When I'm happy, his emotional tone adjusts to reflect that.

It's not something I relate to. The experience of feeling "inside someone else's head" or feeling that deep and intense resonance to how their feeling is a very, very exceptional (in both senses; rare and amazing) experience for me. If anything, I frequently feel emotionally discordant with what's going on around me. When a crowd is going wild, I don't find myself getting inadvertently swept up in it. When someone is sitting in front of me crying, I (usually) don't start crying too.

That said, I feel it's also important to note that I consider myself a very relatable, very sympathetic person. In many ways, I've made my life a study of people. I've recently come to realize more fully how intentionally I position myself socially to be on the edges, or even outside, of groups so that I can observe better (that also partially stems from being highly uncomfortable with attention). I'm very observant and highly analytical. In (almost, let's not be too general) any conversation I'm paying constant and detailed attention to the flow and energy, how people are interacting, watching their reactions (and I seem to derive more amusement out of picking up on quirks or funny reactions than most people), and getting a sense for the dynamic and balance of the conversation. But that doesn't mean I am literally feeling the emotions around me.

Further, I seem to find myself frequently playing the role of confidant. I am good conveying to people that I understand, that I relate, and giving sensible and trustworthy advice (not the best, but better than many). I consider it to be a nod to my ability to make people feel safe and comfortable around me; personable is a word I've frequently heard people describe me as. It probably also has something to do with, despite having an admittedly "sheltered" background, I've kind of been a few places in life. I've been through a pretty broad range of things and been around a lot of different types of people in several places and situations.

So given my ability to relate, but not feel; sympathize, but not empathize, does that entirely mean I'm not an empath? I think it comes down to how you define a few things. Unfortunately, it also depends a lot of how I see myself in the context of others, which is difficult to peg down because it's a vision jaded with the bias of my self-perception and the fact that I am many different sides of myself around many different people.

I little poking around online and it does seem that there is an accepted distinction between emotional intelligence and empathy. Given the points I made earlier, I do consider myself to be a person who is fairly (my ego would say highly) emotionally intelligent. But my ability to relate to and pin point and act intelligently in accordance with others emotions often comes only very deliberately. During the course of an intense discussion, I find myself stepping back and thinking myself through what I'm hearing. "Ok, they say this makes them feel like this.....that must FEEL like ______ (pause to let the applied emotion set it), hm, ok that might because of this other thing they told me, and probably also means they're sensitive/averse to/effected by this other thing......" and so on. Very conscious, very deliberate. But also, usually, not too far off.

So this seems to become a question of the role intent plays in empathy. Many seem to describe it as natural, organic (even genetic), something that people inherently possess, and seems to be often also bring up allusions to psychic powers of "sensing" a person's true and hidden emotions. It seems to be considered an innate force.

Doesn't sound like me.

Yet when it comes to nature and feeling my surroundings, I seem to fit the empathy label better. I'm highly environmentally sensitive. I can "feel" a room, and be effected by its atmosphere and vibe very strongly. Consequently, when I find a space I like, I tend to LOVE it (and vice versa). I personally think this also coincides with loving being outside and a part of nature. But I've never really connected this to my ability to communicate with and understand people.

So am I an empath? Probably not. Is that a bad thing? Not really; it doesn't mean that I don't care about people, or that I'm not a good leader, or not creative, or not a good listener. Yet, my understanding is that empathy carries with it socially positive connotations. Those that are sensitive and able to feel with others are perceived as caring and lots of other good stuff.

Regardless, I'm happy with myself, however I am. I do realize that I tend to get blocked by my own emotions, but my ability to step back and logic out how other people are feeling has its benefits. I don't lose control of how I'm feeling in the presence of other emotions. And I'm able to remain sensible in otherwise highly emotional situations (unless the situation directly revolves around me, in which case all hope of sensibility is almost lost). And I'm able to provide perspective to those that are stuck in a particular emotional place that they don't want to be. I can adjust my focus to where they're act while still maintaining my internal emotional spectrum and thus help guide them and show them other ways to see and feel things.

Pros and cons, pros and cons....

Missing India - A recipe!

I was fortunate enough to get a few recipes of my favorite dishes from my host mom in Rajasthan, India this summer.

Even during the monsoon season, rain is rare in central Rajasthan; it rained for a few hours a couple days the entire time I was there, and the relief of seeing it brought child like elation from adults. Going up on the rooftop while it was raining, and you'd see the heads of all the neighbors on their rooftops also taking rain baths.

Seemingly everything has a meaning and a tradition there, and rain is no exception to this. It didn't take me long to immediately start looking forward to eating dal dhokali as soon as I saw rain. It was easily one of my top 5 favorites and I miss it!! So I thought I'd share the recipe :)


Ingredients
(for dal)
-1/2 cup mung dal (kidney beans)
-1/2 tsp red chili, tumeric, coriander
-salt to taste
-pinch asafoetida
-1/4 tsp cumin seeds
4 cups water
(for dhokali)
-1 cup wheat flour (unbleached)
-1/2 tsp red chili
-¼ tsp tumeric powder
-¼ tsp cumin seeds
-salt to taste
-2 tsp oil/ghee

Method
Wash and soak dal for 15-20 minutes and drain excess water. Put 3 cups of water, salt, tumeric powder into dal and leave on gas (simmer) for 5-6 minutes. Now puta ll spices and duokali in and leave for ½ an on gas.
Take wheat flower and add all spices and make into dough (knead with water and pinch of salt until it stops sticking to your fingers. Roll to about ¼ inch thick and cut into 1 inch squares) and put into dal and simmer for 10 minutes. Add more water if needed.

Drop it like its hot

I'm actually on the ball for once in my life and looking up textbooks for my classes BEFORE they start.

I looked up the texts for my "fun" class, political psychology, and...well, a few things. First, there's 10 books for the course. The most I've read for any one course in a semester thus far is 8. I'm unsure the level of depth that will be required, but still its a lot to keep track of.

AND costs a ton; its the nontextbook books that always sell back for the least. Kids always complain about science classes being expensive, but honestly, it's the english/language/novel heavy books that cost the most because you get the least back, if you get anything at all because they tend to have rotating topics so the reading list will change every semester meaning the bookstore no longer wants last semester's books back.

AND all the books appear to be about war and leadership. Perhaps I should have seen this coming? There's books about establishing authority, legitimacy during war, books by war time heros, etc. I want to take this class to learn more about citizens in the context of the state. It looks like we'll be studying the opposite end of the spectrum. Which could be intersting but not something I entirely can justify making time for given the other constraints in my life.

Droppin' it like its hot.

Easy Way Out

I can already tell I've got a potentially too full academic plate next semester. I've had more than one semester with 6 solid academic classes, and by the end I'm always swearing never to do it again. I have 5 solid classes and a fitness class, but the combination of classes and knowing how busy I'm going to be with the grad school apps and the job hunting and everything that comes with being an RA (namely having to be spur of the moment flexible and frequently being kept up at all hours of the night to deal with stuff).......I'm fearing I've set myself up for too much to be able to get the academic results I want.

So I'm faced with a decision.

Right now I have a "fun" class, my first intentionally-doesn't count for my major-just because I want to take it-elective credit class since I started college (and since sophomore year of high school for that matter, although my 7th IB subject was intended to be an elective that just happened to get me IB credit). It's political psychology and it appears to appeal precisely to my research interests. I'm fascinated by the relationship between citizen and state; how does the citizen contribute to government outcomes, how is the citizen shaped, how is their behavior as a citizen influenced, and in turn, what are the policy implications of all that. Fascinating. People think that because I'm a student of International Studies/Relations that I want to save the world, which dichotomously can only be achieved by either being a diplomat or being a certain breed of NGO running, non-profit loving, corporation hating, Peace Corps volunteering, UN working......person. I've come to find that I am centering on an unusual middle path between the two that is far less traversed and I think it has much to do with my research interests and the simple fact that I chose IR because I am, quite simply, interested in how the world works. My particular chosen angle on this happens to involve governments because they are an inevitable and often powerful presence in nearly everyone's lives and thus can be important to how we chose to live our lives and can be a mechanism to reach thousands, if not millions, of people at one time.

Now that I've basically written my personal statement all over again; political psych. Cool, want to take it, probably won't be massively difficult, but won't exactly be underwater basket-weaving either.


So do I drop it? Do I accept the simple fact that it is a luxury that I cannot afford and need to drop to free of time to attend to my other classes?

Another route is change my selection for my quantitative reasoning requirement. I've currently selected deductive logic. I almost chose philosophy instead of economics (and in retrospect, thank goodness I did) so I obviously have some penchant for it and thus would consider it a worthwhile and fulfilling course that would enable me to be better tutored in the practice of logic, an excellent life skill. But, despite the fact that my brain is fairly well attuned to the type of thinking required for the course, it still will be difficult, and the class doesn't give many A's.

So I'm considering instead taking the easy way out and taking something like.......college algebra just to get the requirement done.

This seems a bit backwards to me though since I've already taken calc and on principle have something against the idea of it.

So what's most important here?

Its my last semester. This semester was a disaster that I'm still beating myself up about, but it doesn't even compare to the nuclear destruction I did to my GPA last year. I have a particular goal GPA in mind that I'm not super excited about but can live with. Anything less than that is a prospect I'm currently not sure how to handle. In order to meet this goal my GPA has to be solid next semester. Not impossible, definitely not my highest ever, but nothing can go wrong. I can not afford any disasters or surprises and I don't want to set myself up for failure. At the same time, my academics are important to me and I'd hate to forfeit the pursuit of education in favor of my GPA.

But I keep coming back to the fact that this is my last semester, my last chance. There is no redemption after this point. Either it happens or it doesn't. And right now, walking out of UNC with my diploma in my hand knowing I reached my goal GPA is much more important to me than taking a certain class.

So I think I know I have to back down and change my schedule. I just haven't quite gotten to a point of action yet.....

Pardon my opinion

Some ideas are just stupid. So it upsets me when people with stupid ideas are praised.

Cases in point:

1. A project at a certain top-tier school to raise funds for something in Kenya (probably a school or an orphanage, they seem to be the only things college kids care about) (And yes, I am sick and tired of hearing heart warming, touching, oh-so emotionally compelling stories about African orphans so I'm slightly more sensitive to the topic). The project involved sending old newspapers and magazines (in the US, a-hem, Indiana) TO Kenya where they make them into necklaces (if you've been to East Africa, you know what I'm talking about). Then they shipped them BACK to the US, sold them on campus, and donated the funds.

Two trips, across the ocean, just to make a necklace. And why not use local magazines and newspapers (bc there certainly is plenty in trash piles in Uganda, I can only assume the same for Kenya) is absolutely, positively beyond me.

2. Another project at another top-tier school (a-hem public university in, cough cough, North Carolina) that ships defective painted glass beads (from a local craft organization) from Kenya, to the States. Students then make the beads in the jewelry and sell them on campus and send the proceeds to an orphanage that students have built a relationship with by sending numerous interns to volunteer over summers.

Clever, but the project is product of at least two grants and entreprenurial fellowships to stay afloat and I highly highly doubt they are coming out ahead.

Oh, you say, but Cortney, darling, you're missing the point! Its social entreprenurship! The point is to enact social change! Not make a greedy captialistic profit! That's entirely beside the point!

Look. Positive social change, ok, great, love it, whatever, BUT YOU CANNOT IGNORE BASIC ECONOMIC PRINCIPLES BECAUSE DOING SO ONLY GENERATES MORE LONG RUN HARM THAN GOOD.

If you have to survive off of government funds to do you're little feel good (but completely and illogically inefficient) project, lets just think about that for one second. Let's extrapolate a little bit. Someone has to pay to ship the beads and the necklaces and the purses and the aprons from Africa to the US. Even if you're organization doesn't, the government has to foot the bill. Hurray, you've successfully increased national debt, weakened the US's economic position further, and therefore made the country less capable of allocating funds to development related issues.

Is the money lost to the US small in comparison to the gains in Africa? Perhaps. I'll agree a little goes a long way. But it adds up in the US, too. Argues of profit v. nonprofit organizations aside, if everyone takes on ventures that aren't self-sufficient and sustainable, where on earth is the money going to come from to fund them? And no, you can't just print more, bc horray you've just devalued the national currency and further weakened our position globally, horray, we now can do less to help other people with our money that is worth less.

It seems amusingly ironic to me that a lot of "these people" talk on and on and on about social responsibility and taking social issues into account, in fear of the big bad capitalism monster, well guess what folks..........isn't all this just a TAD socially irresponsible? It's inefficient and it comes at exorbitant unnecessary cost. Thanks for keeping OUR nation's ability to provide for OUR citizens in mind. Not.

I could go on longer to make this more air tight but I have studying that needs get done so I wont. But overall, I'm ticked at how idiotic some ideas can be and how much praise they are given and the pedestal we put these people on.

Why not send ONE intern over to TRAIN more personnel at the orphanage so you don't need to spend the money on sending so many interns over, and consequently have more money to donate to the orphanage?

Why not train women to make their own beaded necklaces to sell locally and pump money into the local economy, which lots of research has show has greater net results than merely donating money directly (and trains more women and "empowers" them, which some researchers say has consequent benefits on better family spending decisions such as educating children and saving. I see pros and cons to this argument, however)

Why not get wealthy families in Kenya that can afford newspapers to donate them for jewelry making, instead of shipping US newspapers all the way to Kenya. (and consequently increase rich/poor interaction and increase inequality awareness that could potentially lead to narrowing socialeconomic gaps via cultural attitudes)


Yes this is personal for me because I'm in the same field as these kids and had entertained the exact same ideas, but turned away from them for sake of attempting to avoid doing more harm than good. I will rarely do something unless I see some net benefit to be found in it and I DO NOT believe that "something is better than nothing" which is what motivates a lot of people to rationalize their under-scaled and inefficient efforts.

Yet who wins at the end of the day? Who is getting national attention and praise and a great resume full of lots of fellowships and grants and acceptance in to great grads schools. The idiots. Yes I'm jealous and yes it doesn't seem fair. Call me a brat but I do think I have some validity in my point.

Oops

I really am horrible at remembering I have a blog. All I need is one sufficiently distracting thing, and BAM it's existence ceases to be something I'm aware of.

Luckily something usually jogs my memory.

I've been weirdly on top of my work lately. Like, it's legitimately unprecedented for me.

I'm the procrastination queen. I do everything at the last minute; its a way of life for me.

And yet, sometime, three weeks ago, I accidentally wrote down the due date for a huge paper a week earlier than it was actually due, which resulted in me getting ahead on my work.

Suddenly I had time to do all my other work in a timely matter.

And since then, I've been precisely on top of my work, with enough time to get everything done without cramming, and enough bumper room to make sure I have time to rest and relax and stay healthy.

I think part of it also has to do with the fact that my boyfriend is visiting this weekend, the weekend before finals, and I'm worried about a) getting distracted and not doing the studying I need to do and b) having to study all weekend and thus not getting to spend much quality time with him. Consequently, I've been working diligently to make sure I'm on top of my work, rather than behind, so I don't have to cram this weekend.

I'm not saying this to gloat. It's a life lesson that I think should be shared.

I don't have any more time than usual, nor do I have less work than usual, simply put, I just do stuff when I need to do it rather than putting it off as long as possible.

I'm amazed how....rewarding trying this new approach has been. Procrastination might be addictive, but so its staying on top of your work. I'm so much less stressed, can really enjoy the time I spend not working, and I work better because I'm not so hyper pressured to finish my work.

I'm rather acutely aware of the fact that at any point in time I could get knocked off my balance, get behind, and end up cramming as usual. Which, interestingly, motivates me further to do my work now rather than later so that doesn't happen. It still feels weird to run out of things to study and go to sleep rather than staying up all night to study as much as possible. I've also noticed I seem to be more sensitive to changes in stress levels. Which I suppose makes sense, I'm not so hyper stressed that I lose all sense to magnitude.

We'll see how the week plays out.I have two problem sets due tomorrow, which I finished yesterday, and an exam friday, which I'm almost done with my study outline for, meaning I can spend a little time today and tomorrow starting to prepare for my two exams Tuesday rather than waiting until after my Friday exam.

Bull Between the Horns

I was told to write "a 8-10 page paper on a relevant topic" for my Global Issues class.

Given that I hate this class and would be hard-pressed to do any serious damage to my grade, I'm not entirely gung-hoe about putting a lot of work and effort into this.

So, ticked at all the time we spent in recitation moaning about end of end of the nation state and how horrible this is for culture and communities, I wanted to write about transnationalism and ways that the concept of boarders are being redefined by globalization.

I figured this deserved some categories of ways and settled on economic, technological, ideological (politically), and cultural.

Yeah, super broad.

But I'm too lazy to narrow it down and do the amount of thinking and research that would be required of a narrower topic (say, MNCs specifically, or just focusing on Asia).

So I'm currently banking on arguing myself out of this little situation I've created. My topic isn't too broad. Every other topic is simply too narrow. And until a broader approach is taken, we cannot begin to "realistically" conceptualize the issue of transnationalism and therefore cannot even begin to competently discuss its legal, security, etc. implications.

Basically, I'm taking the bull between the horns. You'll note that two of my categories are the ones most often focused by those arguing for economic globalization and the later two are more often the focus of sociologists/anthropologists in their social theories of transnationalism.

In reality, these are two sides of the same coin but no one seems to be acknowledging it. Rather, the economic school is overlooking social consequences as mere afterthoughts/products of economic change, and the social school is looking highly myopically at cultural implications of grande and mystical economic forces that they often only vaguely refer to.

I shall close the gap! I shall build a bridge! I shall spur discussion and dialogue between the two schools for the sake of a brighter global future!! And I shall spend less time working because of it.

Sound convincing?

Testing, testing, 1,2,3.....

Just seeing if the blog a photo straght from Picasa thing actually works pleasingly.

 

Hmm....

I'm a little worried about the new Parker and Stone "The Book of Mormon" musical. We all know the cynical axe the South Park creators have to grind when it comes to Mormonism, I wouldn't be surprised if this was their most glorious satirical exhibition yet. I'm also fairly sure there's a lot of members of the Mormon world that are fairly concerned about the potential this production has to further taint their already highly misunderstood religion.

I'm further concerned about it being set in Uganda. The missionary rules are a little different there, as they should be, it's not the United States, but a couple of things can be easily taken out of context and misconstrued. I've been told that missionaries have been "advised" to focus their efforts of financially stable families, I can see this easily being interpreted as selective salvation, but it's truly a method to ensure that Africa doesn't become one big Church welfare project. Additionally, there are certain rules pertaining to polygamist families in Uganda, that unless they don't get their facts exactly straight....idk. Again, concerned.

I struggle to understand how people can find so much entertainment in taking such a blasphemous, taunting, stance on something that people live their lives by and hold as sacred. In general. Go spend your time building people up, not tearing them down, there's already enough of that in this world, no need to contribute further for mere sake of amusement.

I'm gonna look into it more so be watching for a follow up post.

Pretty Sure

Pretty sure I officially have everything now.

Like seriously.

I barely know how to handle having so many luxuries in my life.

Just got my new Macbook Air and I'm loving it, I can't tell you how nice it is to have a fully functional laptop again!!

Punctuality

I am not a punctual person.

By any stretch of the imagination.

I don't know when or why I got to be this way, but ever since I remember being responsible for getting myself places at a certain time, I've been late.

I just....don't pressure myself to be there at a certain time. My arrival time margin of error seems to be wider than most (although that would presume that I'm sometimes early so I guess the....positive side of my margin of error?). I'm not bad at estimating traveling time, quite good at it actually, I'm just bad at leaving when I need to leave.

I suppose I've found compounding evidence in the fact that the polychronic cultures I've visited haven't stressed me out in the least. If anything, it was freeing. I'll leave for the bus when I leave for the bus, and it comes when it comes. I'll show up for a meeting somewhere between 4-5 and the meeting will start somewhere between 4-5. This whole snap to it arrive on the dot precisely attitude just doesn't click with me.

And it's not a matter of disrespect. It's not a disregard for the person/place/thing I'm going to. It's not some subconcious avoidance of some place I don't want to be. It's not that I don't take things seriously. I just don't take TIME seriously. It's not you, it's time.

I've been having issues getting to my 9am class that's 20 min away on south campus (if you know me, you're probably cracking up right now because you know I'm physically incapable of waking before 10). The bus is usually late which means I'm usually late, but I've resisted walking because...idk just don't want to walk.

I recently check up on my grade and noticed the toll this has been taking on my grade. I knew I was losing attendance and participation points, but I'm a GREAT participator in class, if not one of the best, so I figured the damage for my showing up 3-8 minutes late for a 120 minute class was minimal.

Nope, my A&P grade is hovering around 60% right now, which means I just landed myself AT MOST a B+ in the class.

Is this fair? I understand that being present in class, for it's entirety, is important. But I mean, it's not like anything happens the first 10 minutes of class. I'm being grades sheerly on the principle of punctuality. Is that important enough to be held back from getting an A(-)? Why on earth is it THAT important?

Apparently my professor for the course, when asked what was up with my grade, remarked along the lines of, "I just don't get it....the kids that are late are usually the ones that sit in the back and don't talk, Cortney is GREAT in class but she's always late....I just don't get it."

Um. WHAT IS THERE NOT TO GET? I'M NOT A PUNCTUAL PERSON AND IT'S NOT AT ALL RELATED TO MY ATTITUDE TOWARDS YOU OR THE COURSE OR THE MATERIAL.

Why on earth is there an assumed correlation there?

Question

If you were a party hardy, sterotypical Greek, above average wealthy, (authority challenging, vandalism inciting, rule breaking, hormonally charged) college freshman, either male or female, what would be sufficient incentive for you to submit daily answers to Community Standards quiz questions posted on my door? Gift cards aren't allowed. An ipod shuffle? Something from student stores of your choosing, like a hoodie? VIP tickets to a basketball game?

Sound Interesting?

This is the (current) introduction for my WMST paper:

To the vast majority of American society today, Mormonism is known as a highly conservative religion, regarded by some as a cult, of polygamists that worship Joseph Smith, get married at 18, have at least 12 children, oppose gay rights and abortion, and most important to this paper, relegate their women to spending their lives within the sphere of the home, ignorant of the outside world and dutifully obeying their husbands.

Within Mormonism, women are championed as those divinely endowed with the capacity for motherhood and are consequently a vital source of nurture and spirituality within the all-important unit of the family. It is their duty to raise and teach their children and thus the future of generations lies in their hands. This responsibility and power is said to be equal to, if not greater than, that of their priesthood holding husbands, with whom they are equal partners before the Lord and equally potentially worthy of eternal Godship in the afterlife.

It can be seen that there is some difference of perspective here. Instructed to be “in the world, but not of it” Latter-Day Saints have long embraced their identity as a “peculiar people” that might not always be understood in context of the current social trends. In a world where “women’s lib” is crusading for equality among the sexes through things like reproductive rights and greater employment opportunities, the traditions of Mormonism are ever requiring a unique paradigm to understand a culture that promotes gender equality through chastity and housewives.

The relationship between Mormonism and society at large is not static. Rather, as society changes, so to must Mormonism make clear, and frequently adjust, its stances on certain issues. A gospel of living doctrine and modern day Prophets, Mormonism is constantly in flux and thus as society changes, it perpetually is reestablishing it’s attitudes towards women. Yet, the common source of this re-establishment is always, and always will be, through the lens of the family, said to the key unit of society and the building block of nations. Thus, it cannot be said that as society has “progressed,” Mormonism has simply stayed stagnant. No, this would be altogether too simple. Yet, it can be said that as society moves farther away from the traditional nuclear family, the gap between Mormonism and society will be ever widening and thus increasingly difficult to bridge.

As this gap widens, a valid question emerges: can a Mormon be a feminist? Given that there are a number of Mormon women that are self-declared feminists, several of them housed at the church sponsored Brigham Young University, the answer seems to be yes. Yet, this raises three key questions. Firstly, what characterizes the self-declaration of a Mormon as a feminist? Second, what diversity of opinion exists among Mormon feminists? And third, in what ways is, or isn’t, Mormon feminism compatible with current “mainstream” feminism? In order to full explore these questions, a groundwork for understanding women in context of Mormonism must first be established and a series key topics relating to women in Mormonism will be discussed and critiqued according to multiple responses of Mormon feminists. Following this, will be a discussion of the experiences of Mormonism with feminism, both historical and personal, in an attempt to better understand the ways in which Mormon feminists identify themselves and how the church has responded to this. Lastly, will be a discussion of how Mormon feminism compares to current trends in feminism.

Rant

School sucks right now. I feel like I'm getting overly slammed for little things left and right and it's costing me dearly and my grades are a mess.

In WHAT universe does being 6 minutes late for a 120 minute class (whereafter I very actively participated) warrant losing HALF my participation points for the day?

In what universe does skipping 6 out of 33 problems on a problem set (they weren't any harder or longer than the others) warrant a BELOW failing grade for the assignement?!

Ugh. Gr. Argggggg. afkjadsfalkjsdf F U school.

Tattoo

Random thought: but I really don't get why people say, "I want a tattoo that says this jslfkjslfksfjs and then I want it in french/italian/sanskrit/hebrew/whatever language they don't speak"

1. Words on your body should be a language you understand

2. If you so choose a language other than your native tongue, it should be one that has personal meaning to you

3. The combination of the phrase and the language should have some sensical connection. I would probably go so far as to argue that it should only necessitate the use of another language if it is a colloquial phrase IN THAT LANGUAGE. Picking a phrase in english and then translating at whim often seems to take away so much of the meaning, both literal and sentimental.

For example: a lot of people like "joie de vivre" it sounds close to english and thus is easy to understand, the joy of life (fyi, joie is NOT pronounced joy, but closer to "jeu-wah"). Um, yeah, you probably won't hear that coming out of a french person's mouth any time soon. I feel like a lot of people use this in the sense of saying something IS their joie de vivre (which would more accurately be their raison d'etre), or a way to remember that life is joyful. Connotations translating, and its closer to "taking joy in life," relishing it. That's not how most people use it. Fail.

That's all.

Last Semester as an Undergrad

After an incredibly close brush with having to extend graduation through summer, everything finally fell into place. I even have time for a "just for fun" class for the first time since I've been in college (although, I'm liable to drop it for sake of cutting back on work).

As things stand right now I'm in:

-Advanced International Economics (which is going to suck bc I don't like intl econ, but it was the only 500+ course offered next semester). And it's at 8am MWF. Fml.

-Politics of African Culture: this double counts for my major and my visual arts, and should be really interesting. Or really soft sci BS and dissapointing. We'll see.

-Deductive Logic

-Yoga!

-Political Psychology (my "fun" class)

-And I WILL be in some sort of BS "get the requirement done" art class, but registration is closed to non-majors until after regular registration, so I have to wait and see what scraps are left over. Fingers crossed for photography, but it's highly unlikely.


So, overall, not too shabby. Not entirely super easy classes, it's only marginally lighter than my average semester. Underloading wouldn't have been an option anyway since it screws up my grant money so....just another semester.

Fortunate

I thought about titling this "Unexpected fortune" but then I realized that "unexpected" is sort of implied in the meaning of "fortune" given its association with luck.

And then I thought about titling it "fortuitous" but then realized that implied something happening entirely by chance, which isn't the case; a series of predictable events, had I thought about it enough, led to what I'm about to talk about, but because I didn't think about it enough, it was unexpected. It's a pleasant surprise and thus rather fortunate, but not at all entirely due to random chance, and hence not at all fortuitous.

Words are interesting.

Anyway.

I'm trying to sort out the mess that is my potential schedule for next semester. It's a...well.....clusterfuck. To say the least. I've got about 7 things up in the air that are all partially contingent on each other (the messy side of double counting) and thus well...its just a mess.

I'm nervous every time I hear my phone get an email because I'm afraid it will be another professor turning down another request for course approval for a particular requirement I'm trying to frantically fulfill. (ranting moment: you'd think two summers researching, one summer interning, and two semesters volunteering for a non-profit would get my experiential education requirement fulfilled, but it seems all to indicative of my life that....no, of course not.)

But the good part of the story is that I am now in need of a humanities course. I'll be taking probably 3 philosophy classes next semester (leaving me curious if I'm close to an accidental minor) so I was looking to mix it up a little and see what the english department had to offer.

Come to find out, they have a literary arts (very humanities) course in "life writing"

COOL!

So, hopefully, fortunately (but not fortuitously!) I will be able to take a course in the art of writing a life story next semester. Which will be very interesting to think further about how and why people share their stories the way they do, the implications of the way the story is told, and be able to develop a greater understanding of how to tell my story.

Nice, very nice.

Overheard: Relationships

"I feel like I just keep making mistakes and I don't know what to do to fix things"

But are you making mistakes? Or are you just not jiving with your partner and it is causing tensions? And if you are making mistakes, what's done is done, you can't just do one thing to negate another. I do however, believe in sufficiently proving false a behavior that was considered a "mistake" if it truly was a one off. This takes time though. And willing patience on the part of the partner, which is rare. Either learn and grow, or find a relationship that works better for you, where you aren't making "mistakes."

"He's 3,000 miles away, is it too much to ask to just call and say hi every day?"

No. And not because calling every day is what should be done, rather, it's what YOU think should be done. If it's what you want and need, there's nothing wrong with that (in this instance) and if he's not ok with that, that doesn't make it, or you, wrong. It just means you see things differently; accept it, talk about it with him, and find a way that works for both of you.

"I need to be single so I can learn to stand on my own two feet"

So.....a relationship is sitting down? You learn about different parts of yourself in different contexts, being single is one context, being in a relationship is another. But to equate being not single with being not independent seems ridiculous to me. I'm not arguing that time on your own can't be a good thing. What I'm saying is that being with someone else doesn't necessitate a denial of yourself to the point that you feel like your independence is compromised. Two people in a relationship can be mutually dependent, but what I think is healthier is inter-dependence where both support and build up each other. Having someone to support you doesn't make you weak, and it doesn't mean you can't do things on your own.

"I should have reacted differently"

Well guess what, you didn't. And you know why? Because you're you. And you're not going to be anything other any time soon so learn to love yourself. Sure, maybe you screwed up, we've all been there. But where is hating yourself and wishing to change the past going to get you? Further, you chose to make the decision you did for some reason, sure in the scheme of possible reactions that you could have exhibited within the range of who you are, there were probably other possibilities, but this is the one you chose, and you probably had a reason for choosing it. Don't regret that. Don't regret who you are. If it didn't work out well, it might not have been because you made the wrong choice, it might be because you're just not with someone that works with the reaction you chose.

"He seems so much more into the relationship than me...do I not love him enough?"

No. Love is love. People are at different points in the relationship for different reasons at different times. You might be distracted, you might be stressed, you might...a zillion things that might mean you have to divert your attention elsehere, but that doesn't mean you love less. UNLESS you are looking for an excuse to not love enough because you actually don't.

"I'm trying to get over him (guy she cheated with) so I can put my relationship back together! I need to move past it!"

Fact is, you cheated. It happens. But the notion of getting over one guy to move to another seems a bit strange to me. I'd sooner say it would be better to seek a better understanding of what prompted you to step outside your relationship because it won't be until that is understood that you'll understand how to step back in it. If that's even still possible. It's also possible that you were LOOKING to step outside the relationship, in which case, dealing with this specific guy isn't necessarily going to prevent this from happening again. Either way, it's probably not him, and more likely you. Which is fine, but...a little more introspection please.

What do all these have in common: the problem isn't the problem, the problem is that you have a problem. I feel like I've watched several people get caught up in trying to change a specific instance or fix a specific error and turning it back on themselves without instead looking at the event in context of the whole (the relationship) and seeing WHY a problem occurred. Further, it often seems that a lot of that why simply has to do with incompatibility. People have different wants and needs, when those don't align, there's friction, accusations, mistakes, regret, etc. Again, the problem isn't the problem, the problem is that you have a problem. I'm definitely not arguing that the "right" relationship has no problems, but I do think there's something to be said along the lines of that a relationship that works is one that can constructively work through the problems, which is more of a speed bump (and learning experience!) than an actual issue. Working through can happen a lot of different ways, but modifying work with "constructively" I think is important, it should work out better for both of you, and you shouldn't have feel like you have to act a certain way to keep them happy or change a part of yourself to be more compatible with them. If you are going to change, it'll happen fairly naturally, and it does happen, but it shouldn't be a tool to make things better.

Irresponsible

My life would be a lot easier if I were more responsible. It would be even easier if I didn't beat myself up so much when I act irresponsibly.

I seem to think that when I screw something up that was totally preventable, I am somehow worthy of punishment. More accurately, I'm am not worthy of being happy with myself. How can I possibly deserve to be happy when I have behaved unacceptably? Further, I seem to think that putting myself in the mental dog house will be sufficient to alter my future behavior in a more responsible direction. If I remember feeling horrible, it will be sufficient incentive to avoid actions that would cause me to feel horrible again.

After years and years of self-spiraling after I've screwed something up for the zillionth time, guess what? I'm not a whole lot more responsible.

If anything, the greatest steps I've made towards more responsible behavior have come from positive external reinforcement when I behave responsibly.



I missed the overnight bus back to school yesterday. On the way up to NY, it arrived in Durham 45 minutes late and arrived in NY an hour and a half behind schedule. Given this prior data, in calculating when to leave to catch my return bus, I made the false assumption that the bus would again be late and thus planned to arrive right on time, rather than early.

To my horror, I saw the bus pull away from the curb only 2 minutes after the scheduled departure time, while I was still a block and a half away.

I don't think I've ever run so fast with a 15 lb backpack and full arms.

I caught up to the bus just as the light changed and it began to turn left to merge with moving traffic. I ran out into the street along the side of the bus, banging on the side as I ran (apparently I've learned well from begging children in developing countries).

The bus got bottle necked after it turned and I began banging on the door, gesturing to please, please, PLEASEEEEE let me on. Don't not ask me what compelled me to namaste the Chinese driver, I need some sign, some gesture, to show him that I was respectfully asking for his help and...that's what my frenzied mind thought of. The bus driver just waived me away over and over and over again. I tried to reach for my ticket in my duffle bag but the more attention I gave the search, the less chance I had to secure the bus driver's attention. As traffic picked up again, the bus drove away and I was left on the side of the road.

At this point I looked around me and was shocked to see a crowed of about 50 people standing directly behind me. They were waiting for a bus to Indiana. I looked across the street and....more people. Going north. My bus was gone, my ticket money, and any chance of turning in my problem set in class the next day.

I'm pretty good at accepting sunk costs. It's difficult to nuance, but it's when things are still in the process of being determined that I flip out. What's done is done, but if it isn't done, I'll fight with every ounce of everything I have. The money on the ticket was lost, I had no choice but to deal and get home another way ASAP. That, I was fine with.

What I got upset about was how worried I was about getting my homework turned in, the consequent effect it might have on my grade if not accepted, and how on earth I would find the time to sufficiently prepare for my exam on Wednesday given that I was likely going to lose a lot of study time while being in NY for an extra day. THAT is what I got mad myself about.

At this point, I really need to work on ACTUALLY learning, REALLY internalizing, that even though things aren't fully determined, for example how my exam is going to turn out, flipping out about it will not help me in any way. It's a waste of energy and time. I get that for things that I know I absolutely cannot change because they are already determined (such as missing the bus. It happened. Done.) But what I need to get better at understanding is that similarly, while there is still technically time to study for this exam, that time is fixed and determined. It will happen. Done. Can't change it. So rather than get upset about trying to make my best use of that time, I need to use the time to freakin' USE IT!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that my perspective is starting to change a little on what I can and can't control. I'm good at understanding my lack of control over things that are overtly out of my control. But my studying for this exam, while seemingly in my control, really, in a way isn't. All I can do is all I can do. There's no way I really manipulate that or change that. I can't make myself study more than I am capable of, and I can't make more time. Further, getting mad at myself isn't going to help me currently, nor do much to alter my future behavior.

Maybe someday I'll learn....

Doubt

If you know me, you know I'm a REALLY determined and persistent person, to the point where sometimes when I set my mind to something its really hard for me to know when to stop pushing for it. Along with this drive comes a general assurance that I'm making the decisions that I feel are right for me. Sure I think about what it would be like had I chosen another major. Sure I wonder what staying at BYU would have been like, but never question overall I would have been better off not transferring.

The point is, I'm frequently "unsure" about things but I very, very rarely ACTUALLY doubt myself with an "oops, that may have been the wrong choice."

So, I'm saying it: oops, not applying for a Fulbright grant might have been the wrong choice.

It's been hard the last couple weeks watching friends and people I know submit their applications and watch their excitement as they get their interviews, begin to more fully explore the possibility that lies ahead, and most of all, the laudes of support, encouragement, and admiration from their peers.

I like respect. I like accomplishment. I like being taken seriously and having a little academic clout to rest my laurels on.

When it comes to doing stuff with your life, Fulbright is pretty, as they say, "legit." Hello, STATE DEPT GRANT?! It's the experience of a lifetime, a free gig for a whole year in a country of your choosing to study whatever the heck you want. For a year. Free.

Not only that, it's prestigious. I may have done some stuff with my time in college, but nothing that carries a name like Fulbright. It's basically a foot in the door at a lot of grad schools; a nice little sticker on your application that says, "the state dept approves of me, you should too." And its often the key to a lot of merit fellowships in grad school, which can considerably reduce the cost and make life a lot easier.


In all honesty though, what's really driving me up a wall is watching the rounds of applause, the pats on the back, and the smiles and high fives being directed towards the kids that applied and knowing that that COULD be me. And consequently, I feel somehow less, inferior, not as good, because I chose not to apply. And it bugs me that no one knows why I didn't apply, for very rational reasons, all they know is that I didn't, and it's like, "ooo she didn't apply."

Well, here's why not: it just wasn't right for me relative to where I am in my life now. I know, what a snob, too good for Fulbright. Except not really. Only that I've spent the last three summers in developing countries doing field research. I'm just a LITTLE field researched out. I want work experience. I want development experience in the states. I don't want to be in an internationally long distance relationship for a year when I don't absolutely have to be.

I know I'm going to find a job and get the work experience I want, but a part of me can't help but think.....maybe I should have done the Fulbright application.....