The first wedding we went to as a group happened to be an arranged marriage. I’ve repeated the story enough times now that I don’t entirely feel like going into the full length detail, but I do feel like sharing a few words, mostly just to see if anyone has any feedback to offer.
I tend to give way to much background and build up to my stories, so I suppose I’ll just jump right into it. I was somewhat appalled at the group being appalled. A slew of comments were directed towards the bride and how sorry they felt for her, how much they were glad they were not in her shoes, how awful, how sad, how blah blah blah.
A few comments.
First off. What about the groom? Last I checked, he was at the wedding too. And quite frankly, he looked like a really nice guy. Second off, it’s not like both the bride and the groom haven’t had their entire lives, and watching all their siblings, and generations and generations before them to know this day was coming and that things worked this way. Granted, that’s not a valid argument for acceptance. But it is a decent argument for having years to reach a point of understanding. Thirdly, it’s not entirely true that every bride and groom are forced together without a thought or a care from their families about who they will get along with, nor is it always entirely true that neither had any say in who they would be arranged with. Forth and finally, the point that resonates with me most is that an arranged marriage is not at all equitable with a life of doom and lovelessness. Sure, maybe in the states it’s assumed that people that get married are already in love, but that doesn’t mean that love is not possible at any point in an arranged marriage. Just take one look at a saree, one listen to the music here, the movies India makes, the stories they tell, and it’s blatantly obvious that Indians know a thing or two about love, maybe even a thing or two that Americans don’t know.
And so, this refusal to even attempt to understand the logic behind an arranged marriage from the group bothered and irked me. Americans think in terms of the individual. Indians think in terms of family/community. Choices, decisions…..marriage, are a collective decision that strives to optimize in terms of the community. It’s simply, and really…..SIMPLY, a different way of looking at it. I don’t get what I wasn’t getting about what they weren’t getting.
Not so sure about your blanket opinion of American's thoughts on marriage. I love our lovely romantic sentiment of falling in love and choosing our own companion for the eternities. But I have also witnessed in my own marriage as well as the long happy marriages of friends that it is the lifetime of companionship and sacrifice, of struggle and heart ache that forge a truly deep and wonderful love. And I don't discount all of that being possible with a different arranged beginning. And though I always kid that I'd like to choose my children's spouses I have been awed by their choices and truthfully surprised that they know themselves well enough to make such wonderful choices. I honestly love my in-law children as much as my own.
ReplyDeleteI think it is the selfless commitment to the union that is the seed for the glorious life time of companionship that follow regardless the details of the start!