Overheard: Relationships

"I feel like I just keep making mistakes and I don't know what to do to fix things"

But are you making mistakes? Or are you just not jiving with your partner and it is causing tensions? And if you are making mistakes, what's done is done, you can't just do one thing to negate another. I do however, believe in sufficiently proving false a behavior that was considered a "mistake" if it truly was a one off. This takes time though. And willing patience on the part of the partner, which is rare. Either learn and grow, or find a relationship that works better for you, where you aren't making "mistakes."

"He's 3,000 miles away, is it too much to ask to just call and say hi every day?"

No. And not because calling every day is what should be done, rather, it's what YOU think should be done. If it's what you want and need, there's nothing wrong with that (in this instance) and if he's not ok with that, that doesn't make it, or you, wrong. It just means you see things differently; accept it, talk about it with him, and find a way that works for both of you.

"I need to be single so I can learn to stand on my own two feet"

So.....a relationship is sitting down? You learn about different parts of yourself in different contexts, being single is one context, being in a relationship is another. But to equate being not single with being not independent seems ridiculous to me. I'm not arguing that time on your own can't be a good thing. What I'm saying is that being with someone else doesn't necessitate a denial of yourself to the point that you feel like your independence is compromised. Two people in a relationship can be mutually dependent, but what I think is healthier is inter-dependence where both support and build up each other. Having someone to support you doesn't make you weak, and it doesn't mean you can't do things on your own.

"I should have reacted differently"

Well guess what, you didn't. And you know why? Because you're you. And you're not going to be anything other any time soon so learn to love yourself. Sure, maybe you screwed up, we've all been there. But where is hating yourself and wishing to change the past going to get you? Further, you chose to make the decision you did for some reason, sure in the scheme of possible reactions that you could have exhibited within the range of who you are, there were probably other possibilities, but this is the one you chose, and you probably had a reason for choosing it. Don't regret that. Don't regret who you are. If it didn't work out well, it might not have been because you made the wrong choice, it might be because you're just not with someone that works with the reaction you chose.

"He seems so much more into the relationship than me...do I not love him enough?"

No. Love is love. People are at different points in the relationship for different reasons at different times. You might be distracted, you might be stressed, you might...a zillion things that might mean you have to divert your attention elsehere, but that doesn't mean you love less. UNLESS you are looking for an excuse to not love enough because you actually don't.

"I'm trying to get over him (guy she cheated with) so I can put my relationship back together! I need to move past it!"

Fact is, you cheated. It happens. But the notion of getting over one guy to move to another seems a bit strange to me. I'd sooner say it would be better to seek a better understanding of what prompted you to step outside your relationship because it won't be until that is understood that you'll understand how to step back in it. If that's even still possible. It's also possible that you were LOOKING to step outside the relationship, in which case, dealing with this specific guy isn't necessarily going to prevent this from happening again. Either way, it's probably not him, and more likely you. Which is fine, but...a little more introspection please.

What do all these have in common: the problem isn't the problem, the problem is that you have a problem. I feel like I've watched several people get caught up in trying to change a specific instance or fix a specific error and turning it back on themselves without instead looking at the event in context of the whole (the relationship) and seeing WHY a problem occurred. Further, it often seems that a lot of that why simply has to do with incompatibility. People have different wants and needs, when those don't align, there's friction, accusations, mistakes, regret, etc. Again, the problem isn't the problem, the problem is that you have a problem. I'm definitely not arguing that the "right" relationship has no problems, but I do think there's something to be said along the lines of that a relationship that works is one that can constructively work through the problems, which is more of a speed bump (and learning experience!) than an actual issue. Working through can happen a lot of different ways, but modifying work with "constructively" I think is important, it should work out better for both of you, and you shouldn't have feel like you have to act a certain way to keep them happy or change a part of yourself to be more compatible with them. If you are going to change, it'll happen fairly naturally, and it does happen, but it shouldn't be a tool to make things better.

Irresponsible

My life would be a lot easier if I were more responsible. It would be even easier if I didn't beat myself up so much when I act irresponsibly.

I seem to think that when I screw something up that was totally preventable, I am somehow worthy of punishment. More accurately, I'm am not worthy of being happy with myself. How can I possibly deserve to be happy when I have behaved unacceptably? Further, I seem to think that putting myself in the mental dog house will be sufficient to alter my future behavior in a more responsible direction. If I remember feeling horrible, it will be sufficient incentive to avoid actions that would cause me to feel horrible again.

After years and years of self-spiraling after I've screwed something up for the zillionth time, guess what? I'm not a whole lot more responsible.

If anything, the greatest steps I've made towards more responsible behavior have come from positive external reinforcement when I behave responsibly.



I missed the overnight bus back to school yesterday. On the way up to NY, it arrived in Durham 45 minutes late and arrived in NY an hour and a half behind schedule. Given this prior data, in calculating when to leave to catch my return bus, I made the false assumption that the bus would again be late and thus planned to arrive right on time, rather than early.

To my horror, I saw the bus pull away from the curb only 2 minutes after the scheduled departure time, while I was still a block and a half away.

I don't think I've ever run so fast with a 15 lb backpack and full arms.

I caught up to the bus just as the light changed and it began to turn left to merge with moving traffic. I ran out into the street along the side of the bus, banging on the side as I ran (apparently I've learned well from begging children in developing countries).

The bus got bottle necked after it turned and I began banging on the door, gesturing to please, please, PLEASEEEEE let me on. Don't not ask me what compelled me to namaste the Chinese driver, I need some sign, some gesture, to show him that I was respectfully asking for his help and...that's what my frenzied mind thought of. The bus driver just waived me away over and over and over again. I tried to reach for my ticket in my duffle bag but the more attention I gave the search, the less chance I had to secure the bus driver's attention. As traffic picked up again, the bus drove away and I was left on the side of the road.

At this point I looked around me and was shocked to see a crowed of about 50 people standing directly behind me. They were waiting for a bus to Indiana. I looked across the street and....more people. Going north. My bus was gone, my ticket money, and any chance of turning in my problem set in class the next day.

I'm pretty good at accepting sunk costs. It's difficult to nuance, but it's when things are still in the process of being determined that I flip out. What's done is done, but if it isn't done, I'll fight with every ounce of everything I have. The money on the ticket was lost, I had no choice but to deal and get home another way ASAP. That, I was fine with.

What I got upset about was how worried I was about getting my homework turned in, the consequent effect it might have on my grade if not accepted, and how on earth I would find the time to sufficiently prepare for my exam on Wednesday given that I was likely going to lose a lot of study time while being in NY for an extra day. THAT is what I got mad myself about.

At this point, I really need to work on ACTUALLY learning, REALLY internalizing, that even though things aren't fully determined, for example how my exam is going to turn out, flipping out about it will not help me in any way. It's a waste of energy and time. I get that for things that I know I absolutely cannot change because they are already determined (such as missing the bus. It happened. Done.) But what I need to get better at understanding is that similarly, while there is still technically time to study for this exam, that time is fixed and determined. It will happen. Done. Can't change it. So rather than get upset about trying to make my best use of that time, I need to use the time to freakin' USE IT!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that my perspective is starting to change a little on what I can and can't control. I'm good at understanding my lack of control over things that are overtly out of my control. But my studying for this exam, while seemingly in my control, really, in a way isn't. All I can do is all I can do. There's no way I really manipulate that or change that. I can't make myself study more than I am capable of, and I can't make more time. Further, getting mad at myself isn't going to help me currently, nor do much to alter my future behavior.

Maybe someday I'll learn....

Doubt

If you know me, you know I'm a REALLY determined and persistent person, to the point where sometimes when I set my mind to something its really hard for me to know when to stop pushing for it. Along with this drive comes a general assurance that I'm making the decisions that I feel are right for me. Sure I think about what it would be like had I chosen another major. Sure I wonder what staying at BYU would have been like, but never question overall I would have been better off not transferring.

The point is, I'm frequently "unsure" about things but I very, very rarely ACTUALLY doubt myself with an "oops, that may have been the wrong choice."

So, I'm saying it: oops, not applying for a Fulbright grant might have been the wrong choice.

It's been hard the last couple weeks watching friends and people I know submit their applications and watch their excitement as they get their interviews, begin to more fully explore the possibility that lies ahead, and most of all, the laudes of support, encouragement, and admiration from their peers.

I like respect. I like accomplishment. I like being taken seriously and having a little academic clout to rest my laurels on.

When it comes to doing stuff with your life, Fulbright is pretty, as they say, "legit." Hello, STATE DEPT GRANT?! It's the experience of a lifetime, a free gig for a whole year in a country of your choosing to study whatever the heck you want. For a year. Free.

Not only that, it's prestigious. I may have done some stuff with my time in college, but nothing that carries a name like Fulbright. It's basically a foot in the door at a lot of grad schools; a nice little sticker on your application that says, "the state dept approves of me, you should too." And its often the key to a lot of merit fellowships in grad school, which can considerably reduce the cost and make life a lot easier.


In all honesty though, what's really driving me up a wall is watching the rounds of applause, the pats on the back, and the smiles and high fives being directed towards the kids that applied and knowing that that COULD be me. And consequently, I feel somehow less, inferior, not as good, because I chose not to apply. And it bugs me that no one knows why I didn't apply, for very rational reasons, all they know is that I didn't, and it's like, "ooo she didn't apply."

Well, here's why not: it just wasn't right for me relative to where I am in my life now. I know, what a snob, too good for Fulbright. Except not really. Only that I've spent the last three summers in developing countries doing field research. I'm just a LITTLE field researched out. I want work experience. I want development experience in the states. I don't want to be in an internationally long distance relationship for a year when I don't absolutely have to be.

I know I'm going to find a job and get the work experience I want, but a part of me can't help but think.....maybe I should have done the Fulbright application.....

Related thoughts on National Coming Out Day

A friend recently posted about National Coming Out Day and in so doing brought up the question of how Pride Parades do/don't fit into the current social trends relating to LGBTQIAers.

Her post is here: http://fragmented-shilpagogna.blogspot.com/2010/10/national-coming-out-day.html


And....this was my response:

(I've been told that I sound angry, offensive, and that my response is an ad hominem attack. I have mixed feelings about this, but surprise is definitely one of them)

I think the instance of Pride Parades are a slightly spurious topic that serve as an outlier in context of the "homosexual community" which is why, as you said, sociologists are "stumped" by it. Because it is a rather particularistic phenomenon, that is very much not representative of the "homosexual community" (I keep using air quotes because the existence of such a community could very well be debatable) and thus to say "if there's this movement of acceptance and respect then why are there displays like this?" is a statement that suggests a correlation that really doesn't exist and thus is a question that really can't be asked.

I'd argue that putting these two things side by side is an invalid approach and that there are three possible reasons for this.

First, that Pride Parades are an absolute outlier and thus not related to the image that the "homosexual community " is attempting to project. Homosexuals are a highly public topic in (especially) American society, particularly in the media. This gives the opportunity for a lot of representation while at the same time grossly condensing the range of that representation to the most shocking and attention getting. We don't cover nudist conventions in the news as much as we do pride parades. This rather myopic image, manipulated by the media, then seems to be a bigger issue in the context of the larger image of the "homosexual community" than it might actually be. There are millions of homosexuals, there are mere thousands that participate in pride parades.

On the other hand, rather than take the outlier approach, it could be argued that the incidence of pride parades is at the very center of the homosexual community. Out of the millions of homosexuals, this is the spark that has risen to the surface. If that's the case, a couple of questions need to be asked, primarily why? and how? You mentioned a movement for "acceptance, respect, and normality" and then further presented Pride Parades as if they were a contradiction to this. But are they? You seemed to determine that they were given that these displays would be deemed highly unrespectable for say, the work place. What if, to the homosexual community, things like respect and acceptance involve seeing Pride Parades as perfectly respectable and acceptable. So much of the dialogue among LGBTQIA voices that I have heard stress values of freedom to determine and identify oneself. Given the primacy of desiring to achieve this, do you really think they're all that worried about what they're employer is going to think? What our society deems as acceptable is largely rooted in heterosexual patriarchy. To me, much of the homosexual community's vision involves the removal of the imposistion of these values, which are seen as limiting and constraining to one's identity. Isn't judging what is and isn't respectable similarly constraining? You referred to the upswing in promiscuity and sexuality as a result of National Coming Out Day......who is defining what IS promiscuous? who is adding value judgements to what IS sexual? You questioned how they could possibly gain respect in the face of displays like this.....but maybe the goal is PRECISELY to gain respect on these terms. To see displays such as this AS normal, rather than conform to what society currently does and doesn't consider "ok."

In line with that, another point to consider might be that you mentioned the great strides towards acceptance and support of homosexuals in society. Who measures this progress? Maybe the homosexual community feels like heterosexuals haven't accepted homosexuality as as normal. Consequently, the need for greater, more radical, exposure is needed through things like Pride Parades.

A third response might be to go between the bull horns. Maybe there is a rift; the more conservative side that projects that image of respect and acceptance that you started your post with, and perhaps a different perspective, as observed in your presentation of Pride Parades. Thus to hold them next to each other and go, "this doesn't make sense, this seems discontinuous....why?" well, maybe the answer is that it seems discontinuous because....it is. Maybe there's competing ideologies pertaining to "the image" that "the homosexual community" is trying to project and what their goals are regarding societal acceptance, and the media is only picking up on bits and pieces of the dialogue surrounding these ideologies and consequently, there's room for confusion about what is really going on here.

Change is in the air?

So it's a long and boring story but I'm starting to consider getting a Masters in International Education Development instead of a Masters in International Affairs. Not only are the programs generally less competitive but there's considerable room to argue that an while an MIA is greatly applicable to a great number of fields and thus great for a future career, it is really broad. On the one hand, it could be a way to explore my interests more and figure out precisely where in the development field I want to end up, but on the other hand, it could be so general that I really don't learn a lot. Additionally, I don't plan on going into the NGO world or the foreign service and most MIAs are geared towards those two pretty binary paths. I want grad school to a time for me to narrow my focus and get a really deep and specialized education in my field. Focusing myself by studying Development Education would be a response to that desire.

It's a little scary though. I consider myself a teacher, but am I an educator? I'm not jumping up and down with excitement and going, "omg I found what I've been looking for my entire life!" (that's what I did when I found International Affairs), but being realistic, it might be the best option for me.

I don't want to study peace, or conflict, or disaster relief, or agriculture, or environment, or health, or elections. While I DO want to study governance, basically every program lumps it into "democracy and governance" and that's when I start rolling my eyes. Further, I'm interested in governance insofar as I want to better understand the relationship between the institution of the state and its citizens and how to manage and influence that. A friend once joked that I basically wish I was born in a developing country so that I could run it. Unfortunately, this isn't too far from the truth. While my interests do play well into research, academia, even policy analysis and consulting, it begs the question of what PART of policy to analyze and research. "Government policy" in general doesn't cut it, so then I run into the same issue as the first sentence of this paragraph of not really liking any of the sub fields.

Except education. The role of the school as a source of political information, as a place where knowledge and information are disseminated, of education as a information spreading strategy....all of that is REALLY interesting to me. There's also a lot of interesting theories about the relationship between education and development (social, economic) that I would really like to explore more and get experience with. So it makes sense. It might be a field I end up in even if I study International Affairs.

It's a big committment though. It makes it easier to get jobs in the field of international education (like parts of USAID, Oxfam, etc) but makes it considerably harder to say....work for the UNDP. I can still be a researcher, be a policy analyst, be a professor, but it does sort of force me to do all those from the angle of education.

It makes sense, I'm just not 100% comfortable with it yet.

Ahhhhh

-I had absolutely no school work last week (outside of reading a book for my WMST class and a 2 page response of my Global Issues class). No problem sets, no midterms, no upcoming midterms, no papers, nothing.

-I worked four RA duty shifts last week, which involved a grand total of 14 hours sitting bored stiff at a desk with nothing to study.

-I've read the one econ chapter we're working on now, twice. And taken notes on it.

-My next problem sets for either of my econ classes aren't even posted on blackboard yet and the syllabuses don't say when they'll be due, but it definitely isn't going to be this week.

-I skipped my one class Friday because midterms were coming back meaning nothing would actually get taught. I was SOOOO excited for class today because I've had nothing to do for forever, and.....class was cancelled.

-Which means I just had a 4 day weekend but had nothing to study and couldn't go hang out with people because I was on duty.

-I've read two books in three days.

-I actually emailed the global center director declaring I wasn't busy enough, begging to be put to work (we're meeting on Wednesday).

-I'm getting tired of coming up with BS things to do. "Oh maybe I should learn more about the Truman Doctrine" "oh maybe I'll write a chapter of the book that's never actually going to get finished and is thus actually a waste of time" "oh maybe I should do more job research even though my field doesn't start hiring until March." My life has been relegated to waiting for the next meal as an excuse to do something and shopping online in the interim.

-I'm going crazy here!

Passing Thought

So I don't know what's wrong with my life, but I've had literally zero school work this week. I think my classes are just in weird sync this semester since last week had me running around like a chicken with my head cut off, pulling 7am-2am long days trying to get everything done. Now, I'm hating the lull.

I could talk more about it, but the point of this post is to talk about House.

I was watching an old episode online the other day and the opening scene was a bride walking down the aisle with her Dad.

Given my religious background, I haven't exactly spent a lot of time in my life thinking about walking down a traditional church aisle, so it was a moment to pause for fresh reflection.

Maybe my women's studies class (which I love, love, love) is pushing me to the edge of radical but, watching the bride, something didn't sit right.

She was with her Dad in the final moments before walking through the door, with her Dad the whole time down the aisle, and met her husband at the pulpit. She wasn't without a male presence the entire time. And further, symbolic of being passed from her fathers care to her husbands care, she wasn't without someone to "look out for her" or "be responsible for her" the whole time. Her fiance/husband is just poof, magically there at the puplit. He doesn't need to go through any metaphorical passage of changing hands of caretakers, he can take care of himself just fine, heck, he can even walk himself to the puplit just fine. But the woman....can't.

And what about what everyone always says about the day of marriage being, "the bride's day" I think its probably mostly in reference of getting micromanaging Mom's to back off, but in actuality isn't it.....THEIR day? The bride's AND the groom's? This again seems to stress a pattern of the attention being focused on the bride because she is going through some major life transition of going from her father's home to her husband's home. The man doesn't need attention because again, it's implied that he can take care of himself. Doesn't that seem just a little belittling towards the bride?

Then again, this is all coming from a girl that's always insisted that her and her prince charming are going to pick out the wedding dress and the wedding tux together so they both find things they, collectively, both like. The colors, the songs, the food, everything done together so that the day is fully representative of THEIR relationship (although, I'm aware that it will probably actually be more like dragging around my tired and bored finance who will ultimately defer to me to make the decisions, but still! Speaking ideally!). I've always staunchly refused to even THINK (ok, think very much lol) about things like what I want the wedding colors to be because I want to decide when I know who I'm marrying, when I'm at that point in life, when I can choose what seems to match US best.

I'm sure, sure, sure there are a lot of culturally comparative statements that could be made about how much more patriarichal other cultures around the world are compared to America, but....just thinking about our own culture a little bit.....