Cutting Myself Some Slack

I’ve been here a little over two weeks now (wow, already?!) and I wish I could rave about omg, how much I love India! And wow, how amazing it is here! But…..I can’t. Yet.

To be honest, it’s been a rather rough couple of weeks. In context of my life, it’s been a rather rough couple of months. If finals didn’t knock wind out of me (they did), all the stress of going on tour all over the country for marriages and graduations and family introductions after finals definitely did. Taking three entire days, the passage to India (no reference intended) led me to discover new realms of exhaustion I didn’t know existed. All of that coupled with keeping in mind that I start school two days after I get back has me in absolutely zero rush to further exhaust myself while I’m here.

In addition to sort of being in self-preservation mode, I’ve been a little frustrated with myself for struggling from time to time (stupid American!), but I keep having to remind myself to cut myself some slack. I seem to have skipped the honeymoon phase of culture shock. Which I suppose doesn’t surprise me given that this is far from the first time I’ve been hurtled into a totally different environment, so the initial excitement of being somewhere new is sort of passé by now. Everyone I talked to always remarked what a small, quaint city Jodhpur was. Yeah. No. Not by my standards. The first week I was completely overwhelmed by how big and confusing and crowded and chaotic it is here. I don’t have the rhythm of the city mastered just yet and that makes it all the more abrasive. The streets are windy and random and all the landmarks seem to look the same. And in a lot of ways, it’s your generic developing country city; trash lined, urine wafted, beggar dotted streets and all. I’ve had times where I’ve said to myself, I don’t feel like I’m in India, but I’m not entirely sure where I am. I don’t know the language, which not only makes asking questions and getting help nearly impossible, but also on a psychological level makes it difficult for me to feel like a connected part of the city given how massively important the ability to communicate is for me. I’m alone 95% of the time when I’m out and about and while I’m an extremely independent person, I have a weirdly huge need for company (but not attention, like I said, it’s weird) and thus feel more disconnected and further stressed about all the situations I have to deal with, all the male attention I attract, and being aware of how differently people treat me. And gosh darn, its hot here. My thermometer read 107 in my room with the fan on yesterday night. Inside. Fan on. At night. It could be worse, it’s enough to suck all my energy away.

So, I’m taking it slow and trying not to guilt trip myself too much if I spend an evening (or two) inside just relaxing. I’m being careful to be aware and ensure that I get the things I need to stay sane (personal space, yoga, mangos, assurance that Doug is just a phone call away). I’ve said yes to every opportunity that has come my way so far (three weddings and two and a half parties) and am well assured that I will have plenty of time to explore the area in the next couple of weeks. Plans are in the works for trips to Jaisalmer, a camel safari (!), Agra, Jaipur, Udaipur, and possibly a couple other places, and my work will give me ample opportunity to explore the village life in the area more.

Now that my work seems to have some structure and direction, I’m feeling a lot better and hopeful that my perception of the city and its people and their culture will become more perspicacious and appreciative the longer I’m here.