Irresponsible

My life would be a lot easier if I were more responsible. It would be even easier if I didn't beat myself up so much when I act irresponsibly.

I seem to think that when I screw something up that was totally preventable, I am somehow worthy of punishment. More accurately, I'm am not worthy of being happy with myself. How can I possibly deserve to be happy when I have behaved unacceptably? Further, I seem to think that putting myself in the mental dog house will be sufficient to alter my future behavior in a more responsible direction. If I remember feeling horrible, it will be sufficient incentive to avoid actions that would cause me to feel horrible again.

After years and years of self-spiraling after I've screwed something up for the zillionth time, guess what? I'm not a whole lot more responsible.

If anything, the greatest steps I've made towards more responsible behavior have come from positive external reinforcement when I behave responsibly.



I missed the overnight bus back to school yesterday. On the way up to NY, it arrived in Durham 45 minutes late and arrived in NY an hour and a half behind schedule. Given this prior data, in calculating when to leave to catch my return bus, I made the false assumption that the bus would again be late and thus planned to arrive right on time, rather than early.

To my horror, I saw the bus pull away from the curb only 2 minutes after the scheduled departure time, while I was still a block and a half away.

I don't think I've ever run so fast with a 15 lb backpack and full arms.

I caught up to the bus just as the light changed and it began to turn left to merge with moving traffic. I ran out into the street along the side of the bus, banging on the side as I ran (apparently I've learned well from begging children in developing countries).

The bus got bottle necked after it turned and I began banging on the door, gesturing to please, please, PLEASEEEEE let me on. Don't not ask me what compelled me to namaste the Chinese driver, I need some sign, some gesture, to show him that I was respectfully asking for his help and...that's what my frenzied mind thought of. The bus driver just waived me away over and over and over again. I tried to reach for my ticket in my duffle bag but the more attention I gave the search, the less chance I had to secure the bus driver's attention. As traffic picked up again, the bus drove away and I was left on the side of the road.

At this point I looked around me and was shocked to see a crowed of about 50 people standing directly behind me. They were waiting for a bus to Indiana. I looked across the street and....more people. Going north. My bus was gone, my ticket money, and any chance of turning in my problem set in class the next day.

I'm pretty good at accepting sunk costs. It's difficult to nuance, but it's when things are still in the process of being determined that I flip out. What's done is done, but if it isn't done, I'll fight with every ounce of everything I have. The money on the ticket was lost, I had no choice but to deal and get home another way ASAP. That, I was fine with.

What I got upset about was how worried I was about getting my homework turned in, the consequent effect it might have on my grade if not accepted, and how on earth I would find the time to sufficiently prepare for my exam on Wednesday given that I was likely going to lose a lot of study time while being in NY for an extra day. THAT is what I got mad myself about.

At this point, I really need to work on ACTUALLY learning, REALLY internalizing, that even though things aren't fully determined, for example how my exam is going to turn out, flipping out about it will not help me in any way. It's a waste of energy and time. I get that for things that I know I absolutely cannot change because they are already determined (such as missing the bus. It happened. Done.) But what I need to get better at understanding is that similarly, while there is still technically time to study for this exam, that time is fixed and determined. It will happen. Done. Can't change it. So rather than get upset about trying to make my best use of that time, I need to use the time to freakin' USE IT!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that my perspective is starting to change a little on what I can and can't control. I'm good at understanding my lack of control over things that are overtly out of my control. But my studying for this exam, while seemingly in my control, really, in a way isn't. All I can do is all I can do. There's no way I really manipulate that or change that. I can't make myself study more than I am capable of, and I can't make more time. Further, getting mad at myself isn't going to help me currently, nor do much to alter my future behavior.

Maybe someday I'll learn....