Doubt

If you know me, you know I'm a REALLY determined and persistent person, to the point where sometimes when I set my mind to something its really hard for me to know when to stop pushing for it. Along with this drive comes a general assurance that I'm making the decisions that I feel are right for me. Sure I think about what it would be like had I chosen another major. Sure I wonder what staying at BYU would have been like, but never question overall I would have been better off not transferring.

The point is, I'm frequently "unsure" about things but I very, very rarely ACTUALLY doubt myself with an "oops, that may have been the wrong choice."

So, I'm saying it: oops, not applying for a Fulbright grant might have been the wrong choice.

It's been hard the last couple weeks watching friends and people I know submit their applications and watch their excitement as they get their interviews, begin to more fully explore the possibility that lies ahead, and most of all, the laudes of support, encouragement, and admiration from their peers.

I like respect. I like accomplishment. I like being taken seriously and having a little academic clout to rest my laurels on.

When it comes to doing stuff with your life, Fulbright is pretty, as they say, "legit." Hello, STATE DEPT GRANT?! It's the experience of a lifetime, a free gig for a whole year in a country of your choosing to study whatever the heck you want. For a year. Free.

Not only that, it's prestigious. I may have done some stuff with my time in college, but nothing that carries a name like Fulbright. It's basically a foot in the door at a lot of grad schools; a nice little sticker on your application that says, "the state dept approves of me, you should too." And its often the key to a lot of merit fellowships in grad school, which can considerably reduce the cost and make life a lot easier.


In all honesty though, what's really driving me up a wall is watching the rounds of applause, the pats on the back, and the smiles and high fives being directed towards the kids that applied and knowing that that COULD be me. And consequently, I feel somehow less, inferior, not as good, because I chose not to apply. And it bugs me that no one knows why I didn't apply, for very rational reasons, all they know is that I didn't, and it's like, "ooo she didn't apply."

Well, here's why not: it just wasn't right for me relative to where I am in my life now. I know, what a snob, too good for Fulbright. Except not really. Only that I've spent the last three summers in developing countries doing field research. I'm just a LITTLE field researched out. I want work experience. I want development experience in the states. I don't want to be in an internationally long distance relationship for a year when I don't absolutely have to be.

I know I'm going to find a job and get the work experience I want, but a part of me can't help but think.....maybe I should have done the Fulbright application.....