Overheard: Relationships

"I feel like I just keep making mistakes and I don't know what to do to fix things"

But are you making mistakes? Or are you just not jiving with your partner and it is causing tensions? And if you are making mistakes, what's done is done, you can't just do one thing to negate another. I do however, believe in sufficiently proving false a behavior that was considered a "mistake" if it truly was a one off. This takes time though. And willing patience on the part of the partner, which is rare. Either learn and grow, or find a relationship that works better for you, where you aren't making "mistakes."

"He's 3,000 miles away, is it too much to ask to just call and say hi every day?"

No. And not because calling every day is what should be done, rather, it's what YOU think should be done. If it's what you want and need, there's nothing wrong with that (in this instance) and if he's not ok with that, that doesn't make it, or you, wrong. It just means you see things differently; accept it, talk about it with him, and find a way that works for both of you.

"I need to be single so I can learn to stand on my own two feet"

So.....a relationship is sitting down? You learn about different parts of yourself in different contexts, being single is one context, being in a relationship is another. But to equate being not single with being not independent seems ridiculous to me. I'm not arguing that time on your own can't be a good thing. What I'm saying is that being with someone else doesn't necessitate a denial of yourself to the point that you feel like your independence is compromised. Two people in a relationship can be mutually dependent, but what I think is healthier is inter-dependence where both support and build up each other. Having someone to support you doesn't make you weak, and it doesn't mean you can't do things on your own.

"I should have reacted differently"

Well guess what, you didn't. And you know why? Because you're you. And you're not going to be anything other any time soon so learn to love yourself. Sure, maybe you screwed up, we've all been there. But where is hating yourself and wishing to change the past going to get you? Further, you chose to make the decision you did for some reason, sure in the scheme of possible reactions that you could have exhibited within the range of who you are, there were probably other possibilities, but this is the one you chose, and you probably had a reason for choosing it. Don't regret that. Don't regret who you are. If it didn't work out well, it might not have been because you made the wrong choice, it might be because you're just not with someone that works with the reaction you chose.

"He seems so much more into the relationship than me...do I not love him enough?"

No. Love is love. People are at different points in the relationship for different reasons at different times. You might be distracted, you might be stressed, you might...a zillion things that might mean you have to divert your attention elsehere, but that doesn't mean you love less. UNLESS you are looking for an excuse to not love enough because you actually don't.

"I'm trying to get over him (guy she cheated with) so I can put my relationship back together! I need to move past it!"

Fact is, you cheated. It happens. But the notion of getting over one guy to move to another seems a bit strange to me. I'd sooner say it would be better to seek a better understanding of what prompted you to step outside your relationship because it won't be until that is understood that you'll understand how to step back in it. If that's even still possible. It's also possible that you were LOOKING to step outside the relationship, in which case, dealing with this specific guy isn't necessarily going to prevent this from happening again. Either way, it's probably not him, and more likely you. Which is fine, but...a little more introspection please.

What do all these have in common: the problem isn't the problem, the problem is that you have a problem. I feel like I've watched several people get caught up in trying to change a specific instance or fix a specific error and turning it back on themselves without instead looking at the event in context of the whole (the relationship) and seeing WHY a problem occurred. Further, it often seems that a lot of that why simply has to do with incompatibility. People have different wants and needs, when those don't align, there's friction, accusations, mistakes, regret, etc. Again, the problem isn't the problem, the problem is that you have a problem. I'm definitely not arguing that the "right" relationship has no problems, but I do think there's something to be said along the lines of that a relationship that works is one that can constructively work through the problems, which is more of a speed bump (and learning experience!) than an actual issue. Working through can happen a lot of different ways, but modifying work with "constructively" I think is important, it should work out better for both of you, and you shouldn't have feel like you have to act a certain way to keep them happy or change a part of yourself to be more compatible with them. If you are going to change, it'll happen fairly naturally, and it does happen, but it shouldn't be a tool to make things better.