I should probably post this....

This is from a blog entry I had to do for FSD about my experiences so far. We were technically supposed to talk what we are learning through the lens of our job, our host family, the things we've done and seen, etc. But, per usual, I just had to be the deviant and do it my way. I felt it important to talk about the attitude changes I've gone through while I've been here because its had an overarching impact on every other experience I could talk about. Oh, and if the end feels forced, um, it's because it is. Apologies. But hopefully it's still at least a little interesting :)

Since I wrote this I've been thinking a bit about this fits into Buddhist philosophy of having no expectations. My best understanding of it runs along the lines of having no expectations such that one is capable of embracing all, and attaching to nothing. I think from the points I make below, it is clear that I agree that it's the attachment to expectations that runs you into trouble. It could be argued that one cannot embrace all by having expectations because you are looking for something in particular, filtering the experience. I have yet to fully determine where I agree and/or disagree with this train of thought....


I wanted to come here with open, fresh, and unbiased eyes, ready to take on everything and anything the city had to offer. I wanted my experience to emerge naturally and organically, to see the life here as it really was. Whatever that happened to mean. I’ve since learned that being open minded is not synonymous with having no expectations.

Having expectations is the way that our mind begins to build the bridge between the present and the future; further, it helps us to process what we see once we cross that bridge. When we open the fridge, we naturally expect to find food inside. If we instead find a pair of shoes, we are able to process that this is not what we expected and begin to problem solve and seek to understand.

This analogy stresses two things that have been important lessons for me since I’ve been here.

Firstly, rather than seek to have no expectations, it is both healthier and more helpful to seek to have realistic expectations. This is an easy confusion to make in preparing to go to a distant foreign place filled with unknowns that can make developing expectations difficult. But this is only if you are assuming that you are expecting what the place you are going to will be like. Rather, in a new and foreign situation it becomes important to choose realistic expectations that are abstractly transferrable to a number of places. This may include expecting to meet a lot of people, expecting to learn, expecting to embrace different ways of living, etc. The bottom line here is that having expectations is a necessary component in developing a framework to process and understand the experience.

The second point is that having expectations does not necessarily entail demanding that reality be as you expected it to be. When you open the fridge and see shoes instead of food, it is obviously ridiculous to become disappointed and fruitlessly stand around demanding why there is not food in the fridge. This is why it is important to be open-minded in addition to having expectations. When you see that there is no food, an open mind is able to understand that this is somehow different that what you expected and can progressively begin to pursue understanding of not only why you expected what you did, but also why the situation is as it is.

I say all this because I found that in coming here with no expectations, I was in reality suppressing and denying the expectations I actually had. This left me without a way to process the experiences I was having, and no lens to look at the world. I struggled with feeling disconnected and aloof. I had no idea how to characterize or describe Jodhpur because it simply….was. I had no sense of place because I simply felt…..here. I had no way of understanding the people because they simply….were. In setting myself up to not be disappointed or upset by anything, I also prevented myself from being able to appreciate or enjoy.

After about two weeks of this, I sat down one day determined that something needed to change. I consequently decided that it was important to me to expect to learn what life is like here for those that live here. And thus became my mission and my lens. I had a reason to ask questions, to observe daily activities and attempt to understand not only what people were doing, but why. I began to find joy in things that brought people here joy, and understand more the things they saw as struggles. Riding the bus, which had previously been stressful and confusing for me because I was merely using it as a mode of transportation, became a fascinating opportunity to watch how people interact and communicate. The heat was still exhausting and the work slow from time to time, but I had a purpose and a reason for being here that extended beyond any one particular daily event and helped me to look at certain negative experiences as positive learning experiences and thus has kept me afloat overall.

First interviews

I finally got my first round of interviews done. The details of why it's taken so long and yadha yadha are basically irrelevant but it looks like a fairly solid game plan is set to go now so despite some lags here and there, I should be able to get everything done in time, no problem. Perhaps not as rigorous as I would prefer buttttt oh well. I suppose I should be grateful for the downtime given that I'm basically dreading going back for yet another year of school and classes and studying and papers and problem sets and deadlines and tests and quizzes and exams and finals and ICK.

Anyway.

I got to talk to a Dalit sar panch and ward panch (wiki it) yesterday and it went well. I didn't quite get the answers I was anticipating but given that I'm doing a survey (which has objectives), not a study (which has hypotheses), I don't have to worry about confirming or debunking a theoretical causal mechanism, per se. I do have to worry about telling the REAL story though. Consequently, I am a little worried about getting straight answers from people, I had both panch's say there is absolutely no dalit discrimination in their area because obviously, it's against their religion. Oh the joys of being a foreigner researcher, they don't want to look bad in front of me or talk about what's really going on.

I'm pretty happy with my interview template though, it's my most direct, neutral, and open template I've designed yet. Sorry to brag, but come on, 90% of my undergraduate experience has been research related, I've come a longggg way so it's pretty exciting to be able to visibly see the progress I've made.

My project is ringing eerily similar methodologically to a project I transcribed for a BYU Professor a while ago who was studying the role of trust for head teachers in Uganda. I'm essentially doing the role of social justice for the Panchayati in Rajasthan. The ins and outs of it are different, but we're essentially both trying to contextualize this abstract concept to not only understand what it means to them, but the role it plays in their respective duties. We also are both having to deal with getting them to talk about an issue that they might not consider an issue, or might not even be on their radar, and number 1 researcher rule is not to force the issue. Ahhh thank goodness for awesome network of people in my life, I've emailed her and am sure she'll have some great insight.

Onto the next round of interviews!!

Camel Safari

We actually got our act together this weekend and made the camel safari happen. The group did a fantastic job of stepping up to help plan and filling in the detail gaps along the way. I REALLY appreciate that no one person in our group is too hung up on calling the shots, and contrastingly, no one passively defers to whoever is leading at any given time. We all voice our opinions in a helpful way and all come up with ideas to work through situations. There's such an awesome variety of skill sets and personalities in our group that it not only makes planning things easier because basically every analytical base is covered, but also makes traveling together a RIOT.

We found ourselves smashed together on the overnight train to Jaisalmer, and after a long sand storm filled night, found ourselves in Jaisalmer at 5am with no particular place to go. So we headed to the fort and after some exploring, found a great spot to take in sunrise over the city. It was both fun and awe-inspiring.

We headed out on the "safari" in the afternoon, starting by jeep to get farther out and stopped at some old deserted village along the way. It was probably cool. I didn't drink enough water with lunch, nor did I bring a water bottle with me because they told us it would be provided and they didn't give us any, so I quickly found myself slipping into the lethargy of dehydration. I thought I was fine, but when I noticed that I'd stopped sweating, I'll admit I got a little worried.

We got to the camels soon enough and secured ONE liter of water. Let the rationing begin. At first, I felt a bit like I was on an amusement park ride (which is a negative in my book) given that we literally were JUST riding the camels, and not interacting or controlling any of the experience. BUT I got to be in the front so I appreciated not feeling like I was mindlessly following along. And I was stoked to find that my allergies had NO problems. Seriously, not one sneeze or itch or hive the entire time. It makes me wonder if my horse allergen has gotten better as well...

The dunes were amazing. I was out of water again at this point so I was focused on conserving energy and staying in the shade, but really, they were quite a sight to behold. We watched the sun set over the flat open desert and headed to the camp. After a campfire dinner, some stories from "Mr. Desert" (the guy who runs the business), and some group shenanigans we fell asleep on the cots, with only the sky above us. Couldn't really see the stars because the moon was still high in the sky, but I woke up randomly in the middle of the night and for the 5 seconds before I fell back asleep, they were completely amazing.

They woke us up at 6am for sunrise, which was quick but cool. We headed out on the camels again (with plenty of water this time) for a few hours and then headed back to the city. After an afternoon of killing time by migrating from restaurant to restaurant, getting massages, and having our palms read, we headed out on the overnight train and arrived back in Jodhpur at 5am, excessively dirty, sandy, and exhausted, but glad to have had such a great weekend.

A little lesson

It's a long story but I'm currently wading through the final edits of a journal article that I've basically written in sporadic, exhausted, 4am "just get something on paper" spurts over the last year.

I knew it was crappy at the time, and guess what, it's still crappy now, and at this point, there's not a lot of hope of rescue.

I think I was basically banking on the conceit that my crappy writing is still slightly above average at the very least, but now that I'm realizing how many grad schools want writing samples, I'm growing nervous about not yet having a masterpiece to slap on the table.


LESSON LEARNED: Quality now saves time and headaches later.

(speaking of quality, I am thoroughly enjoying Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance)

Everyone is Leaving Me!

The day after I got here, the site director that I was so excited to be here with declared he was bailing for the states.

Yesterday, my boss, who is awesome, announced he was leaving to work for a different organization.

Sigh.

This has rung familiar to fact that one of the reasons I chose UNC was it's proximity to a dear friend at nearby Duke, which ended up taking a turn right before I transferred. (Transferring has still been an amazing choice and I still love UNC and feel I would have ended up their regardless because it's just too perfect for me, and despite an interlude of minor frustration on my part, I still have a great friendship).

Three strikes, I'm out.

LESSON LEARNED: DO NOT MAKE DECISIONS BASED ON PEOPLE.

In case you're interested

So basically, I've done a considerable amount of research on organizations that offer internships with international NGOs and I'm always a fan of sharing the wealth.

I have a rather flagrant (and probably irrational) disregard for most study abroad programs that inevitably become a glorified American holiday, and internship programs that take you to Africa to work in an orphanage or Asia to teach English. There are plenty of people already in those countries perfectly capable of taking care of kids or teaching English. In fact, you can probably hire 20 of them for a year with the cost of your plane ticket. While you may get a cool immersion experience by sheer nature of being in a different country, you're less likely to get relevant work experience that validates the expense of the trip as a worthwhile investment for your future career. I'm fully aware that this is probably going to garner a backlash of counter-arguing comments which I will gladly consider, but at this point, I stand by my opinions.

So. If you are like me and wanted to get international work experience with an NGO to learn more about a particular issue, or a particular type of NGO, or a particular approach to development, below are some links to some of the ones that I narrowed it down to and was considering. I'll withhold narrative about them and let you evaluate for yourself :)

The Foundation for Sustainable Development, fsdinternational.org

The Foundation of Goodness (cheesy, I know), unconditionalcompassion.org

Grameen Bank, training and internship programs, grameen-info.org

Oh, and if you want to learn more about my NGO here in India, go to UNNATI.org :)

So what am I doing here?

So I thought it might be good to talk a bit about specifically why I'm here.

The short story: conducting interviews/groups discussions/case studies with Panchayat officials and villagers to understand the role that the Panchayat can play in achieving "social justice" for Dalit populations in the area.

Now the long story:

Basically, I'm here with an organization called the Foundation for Sustainable Development that connects people state-side with local NGO's in a variety of countries around the globe. While I could have drawn on connections to come here and work on my own, the advantage of FSD is that not only do they get you a job, but they hook you up with a homestay, orientate you, teach you Hindi, help you deal with absolutely any sort of pickle you find yourself in, and give you a network of people to travel with on weekends and such.

I suppose I have slightly mixed feelings at this point about whether going the FSD route was "worth it" given that the program fees were steep (albeit typical for this kind of program). FSD is a highly reputable, extremely well connected organization. I found out about them randomly two years ago and after a rather exhaustive search, determined they were the best for what I was looking for. Coming here with them has been a goal of mine since then (Uganda beckoned last summer, and transferring required my presence on campus the last two semesters). But I was slightly disappointed with orientation and the hindi classes. Yet, the longer I've been here, the moremoremore grateful I've been for the FSD office as a HQ, my awesome homestay family, and having other interns around to hang out and do things with.

It's a sunk cost at this point so "worth it" is a null question, but if you are considering doing something like this in the future, be sure to not only evaluate why you are choosing which organization (which I asked myself a lot), BUT ALSO evaluate what things you are banking on and how you'll handle being let down (which I didn't do as much of). For example, I almost didn't do FSD but after I interviewed with Gabe, the site director, I was a lot more excited about coming here due to his insight and the assurance that he would be around if anything went wrong. The day I got here, he announced he was leaving.

Enough about FSD. What I'm ACTUALLY doing here is working for an NGO called UNNATI. They're a little different from some of the other NGO's in the area, and that's precisely why I picked them. They focus on issues encountered by marginalized populations in the area (Dalits, women) and from this have branched out in two main directions. The first being disaster prevention and relief. Drought is a huge issue in the area (this place makes Arizona look tropical) and logically, it hits the lowest end of the population food chain first and hardest. So yeah, they're doing some projects with food and water access in villages and schools and such.

What they also focus on is local governance. This is where I get all giggly and excited. Understanding the role that an NON-governmental organizations play in governmental issues is well, complicated and fascinating. Basically, UNNATI's take (which I quite like) is to be a knowledge and capacity builder for these governing bodies. UNNATI connects the dots in places where they aren't getting connected, and creates links where they are missing. They don't have some gradiose, overly idealized vision to change the world or completely reorganize society (cough cough, women's empowerment organizations in the area...) and I personally don't think they butt their head in where they don't belong. Because of this, they focus a lot of their attention on researching, rather than activism. This is great because I am VERY MUCH a researcher, and the probably the least activism inclined person I know. I have nothing against it, it just doesn't jive with how I approach issues.

So what am I doing with UNNATI? Well, they've been doing a lot recently with Panchayat officials, ranging from training them on their roles and responsibilities so the Panchayat can function more effectively, to conducting surveys on the social stratifications and their implications of panchayat officials.

This is where I come in.

Rather than look at "issues" (for lack of a better term) within the Panchayat itself, I'm going to be trying to understand the role that the Panchayat can possibly play in addressing "issues" in the villages they represent. The Panchayat is a constitutionally mandating local governing body set up for villages. For villagers, it's their direct link to what's going on in parliament. The Panchayat officials are directly and proportionately elected by the villagers themselves and it operates with incredibly democratic principles. In theory. I don't have a ton of perspective at this point, I've read some things and I've been told a lot of things, but I'm not ready to voice any particular opinion at this point. The underlying assumption of my work though, will be that there is not "equality" for Dalits in their villages and that the Panchayat can somehow be used to address these issues. What the issues are and how they can be addressed, well, that's what I'll be figuring out over the next two months.

So, the work itself will comprise of my going out out out to the villages and conducting interviews with both Upper caste and Dalit officials to get their perspective on these "issues" and how they view the Panchayat functioning in context of them. Then I'll go see what the villagers themselves have to say and see if it's any different. Then I'll conduct a few case studies of instances of "social justice violations" (still deciding how to define that....) and examine how the Panchayat handled it, for better, or for worse. Then I'll take this three pronged fork that I've stabbed into the Panchayat system and plop it in my mouth, chew it up, and see what it tastes like. Ok that was kind of a gross analogy. Basically, I'll analyze the data (oooo analysis.....fun!!!) see what I find out, write up a sleek little (or not so little) report on it, and include some recommendations for how an NGO can make use of these findings and what the next step is. So basically, I'm a researcher, analyst, and consultant all rolled up into one.

Things are a little slow lately, if I can get one hurtle jumped per day, it seems to be a good day. But, I need to start pounding dirt next week and get these interviews under way. The project proposal, report outline, and background research are poised to go, now I just need to get out and GET TO IT!

Also

My financial aid package just got put up online. Thanks to a big fat institutional grant, I might not have to take out loans this year!!!!!!!

How excited am I about the prospect of this?

There are no words to describe.

Money will still be just as, if not more, tight for me during the school year, but my post-graduation financial situation will be considerably alleviated.

Yay life.

A Letter

Dear People of India,

Thank you for your concern about the plethora of puss-filled spores on my face. Yes, I am very aware of them, even without your constant remarks. No, I do not have any medication or makeup for them with me. I kindly ask that if you should feel so inclined to continue verbalizing your observations, please at least say hello first.

Warmest regards,
Sole Searching

Laundry!!

Well. I did it. Laundry. All by myself. With a little supervision. But this post isn’t about proclaiming my achievements in domestic proficiency. There’s not much glory to be found in being in a hot stuffy room rinsing and wringing clothes out till your hands are prunes and your knuckles hurt. Rather, this post is to remark that there’s something to be found in standing on the rooftop, sun playing with the shadows and feeling a slight breeze, hanging clothes on the line, looking over into the neighbor’s yard as they hang their laundry also, hearing the birds, hearing the conversation down the street….it’s the most peaceful AND present I’ve felt since I’ve been here. Peace, I’ve found. Presentness, as well. But not the two together. Ahhh….feels good. Now I need to hurry up and sweat through some more shirts so I can do it again!

Cutting Myself Some Slack: Revisited

Things seemed to have smoothed out a bit in the last couple days so I thought I’d jot down some of the little (and not so little) blessings in my life here

1. I haven’t gotten TRULY sick here (yet, knock on wood)
2. Aside from the few unavoidable male pesterers, everyone here has been extremely friendly
3. My host family is absolutely AMAZING. Deepa is amazingly sweet and perceptive and understanding, and the little ones (Piyu and Bibu) always brighten my day.
4. While I have an aversion to special treatment, I am extremely grateful the bus guys have been exceptionally good about paying attention to me and making sure they know where I’m going, helping me know when to get off, and actually stopping the bus for me (one of them even yelled at me to wait as I tried to jump off the other day and told the driver to stop for me). And surprisingly, they haven’t been charging me more than the other people on the bus. Now that I trust them a little more and know they’re on my team, riding the bus is a considerably less stressful.
5. I’m so grateful that I’m patient and not beholden to the clock and thus the arbitrary scheduling of everything here is actually quite pleasant for me.
6. I love how much everyone laughs and smiles here. Love it.
7. I really, really, really like my NGO and my assignment (I’ll get around to explaining it soon!!) and I’m so glad that despite having to walk 2 miles through the desert to and from work each day, I’m a lot more satisfied than most of the other interns.
8. Despite having to force feed myself (or being forced feed) about twice as much food as I can actually eat, the food is really good here, so…..yay.
9. It’s still a little weird to me to have internet so readily available and I’m trying not to take too much advantage of it so that I can still be present and experience life here, but I’m really, really glad I can communicate with friends and family as much as I can here.
10. Just the little miracles of each day: an interesting conversation with Deepa, watching Piyu, getting lost in thought about my project, a reassuring smile from a stranger on the street, an unexpected helping hand, a moment of peace and serenity on the rooftop, etc, etc, etc 

Arranged Marriage?

The first wedding we went to as a group happened to be an arranged marriage. I’ve repeated the story enough times now that I don’t entirely feel like going into the full length detail, but I do feel like sharing a few words, mostly just to see if anyone has any feedback to offer.

I tend to give way to much background and build up to my stories, so I suppose I’ll just jump right into it. I was somewhat appalled at the group being appalled. A slew of comments were directed towards the bride and how sorry they felt for her, how much they were glad they were not in her shoes, how awful, how sad, how blah blah blah.

A few comments.

First off. What about the groom? Last I checked, he was at the wedding too. And quite frankly, he looked like a really nice guy. Second off, it’s not like both the bride and the groom haven’t had their entire lives, and watching all their siblings, and generations and generations before them to know this day was coming and that things worked this way. Granted, that’s not a valid argument for acceptance. But it is a decent argument for having years to reach a point of understanding. Thirdly, it’s not entirely true that every bride and groom are forced together without a thought or a care from their families about who they will get along with, nor is it always entirely true that neither had any say in who they would be arranged with. Forth and finally, the point that resonates with me most is that an arranged marriage is not at all equitable with a life of doom and lovelessness. Sure, maybe in the states it’s assumed that people that get married are already in love, but that doesn’t mean that love is not possible at any point in an arranged marriage. Just take one look at a saree, one listen to the music here, the movies India makes, the stories they tell, and it’s blatantly obvious that Indians know a thing or two about love, maybe even a thing or two that Americans don’t know.

And so, this refusal to even attempt to understand the logic behind an arranged marriage from the group bothered and irked me. Americans think in terms of the individual. Indians think in terms of family/community. Choices, decisions…..marriage, are a collective decision that strives to optimize in terms of the community. It’s simply, and really…..SIMPLY, a different way of looking at it. I don’t get what I wasn’t getting about what they weren’t getting.

Cutting Myself Some Slack

I’ve been here a little over two weeks now (wow, already?!) and I wish I could rave about omg, how much I love India! And wow, how amazing it is here! But…..I can’t. Yet.

To be honest, it’s been a rather rough couple of weeks. In context of my life, it’s been a rather rough couple of months. If finals didn’t knock wind out of me (they did), all the stress of going on tour all over the country for marriages and graduations and family introductions after finals definitely did. Taking three entire days, the passage to India (no reference intended) led me to discover new realms of exhaustion I didn’t know existed. All of that coupled with keeping in mind that I start school two days after I get back has me in absolutely zero rush to further exhaust myself while I’m here.

In addition to sort of being in self-preservation mode, I’ve been a little frustrated with myself for struggling from time to time (stupid American!), but I keep having to remind myself to cut myself some slack. I seem to have skipped the honeymoon phase of culture shock. Which I suppose doesn’t surprise me given that this is far from the first time I’ve been hurtled into a totally different environment, so the initial excitement of being somewhere new is sort of passé by now. Everyone I talked to always remarked what a small, quaint city Jodhpur was. Yeah. No. Not by my standards. The first week I was completely overwhelmed by how big and confusing and crowded and chaotic it is here. I don’t have the rhythm of the city mastered just yet and that makes it all the more abrasive. The streets are windy and random and all the landmarks seem to look the same. And in a lot of ways, it’s your generic developing country city; trash lined, urine wafted, beggar dotted streets and all. I’ve had times where I’ve said to myself, I don’t feel like I’m in India, but I’m not entirely sure where I am. I don’t know the language, which not only makes asking questions and getting help nearly impossible, but also on a psychological level makes it difficult for me to feel like a connected part of the city given how massively important the ability to communicate is for me. I’m alone 95% of the time when I’m out and about and while I’m an extremely independent person, I have a weirdly huge need for company (but not attention, like I said, it’s weird) and thus feel more disconnected and further stressed about all the situations I have to deal with, all the male attention I attract, and being aware of how differently people treat me. And gosh darn, its hot here. My thermometer read 107 in my room with the fan on yesterday night. Inside. Fan on. At night. It could be worse, it’s enough to suck all my energy away.

So, I’m taking it slow and trying not to guilt trip myself too much if I spend an evening (or two) inside just relaxing. I’m being careful to be aware and ensure that I get the things I need to stay sane (personal space, yoga, mangos, assurance that Doug is just a phone call away). I’ve said yes to every opportunity that has come my way so far (three weddings and two and a half parties) and am well assured that I will have plenty of time to explore the area in the next couple of weeks. Plans are in the works for trips to Jaisalmer, a camel safari (!), Agra, Jaipur, Udaipur, and possibly a couple other places, and my work will give me ample opportunity to explore the village life in the area more.

Now that my work seems to have some structure and direction, I’m feeling a lot better and hopeful that my perception of the city and its people and their culture will become more perspicacious and appreciative the longer I’m here.

I'm baaaaack!

Welcome back to the travels of Sole Searching! After a fantastic summer in Europe, Uganda, and Morocco last year (see previous posts), I’m in Rajasthan, India this summer working for local community development NGO (more on that later) to learn more about the NGO world and the role they can (and/or can’t) play in development. Oh, and hopefully meet some cool people and have some cool experiences along the way. So, sit back, relax, read, and vicariously enjoy the journey without having to deal with the heat and exhaustion!