How full is full?!

I know this sounds ridiculous, but the most difficult adjustment to being back in the states was resuming my old/normal eating habits.

You'd think after 21 years of having relatively similar eating habits, it wouldn't be hard to bounce back after eating differently for a mere 9 weeks.

My best guess (I have no idea how this stuff works) is that because it was something that was difficult for me in India, and took a tremendous amount of self-discipline and effort to adjust to in India, the habits ingrained themselves just that much deeper because of how deeply it impacted me while I was there.

My (amazingly awesome) host family was Jain and thus were not only what Americans might most conceptually equate with "vegan" but also did not waste anything. As in, however much food got made for dinner, it had to be completely consumed (baring death bed status).

My parents never demanded I clean my plate as a kid so this was completely new for me. I struggled the first few weeks and derived little methods to ease trying to squeeze in the final bites I just didn't have room for.

1. Eat as fast a possible, especially at the start of the meal
2. Chug as you have never chugged before. Smoothie? Gone in a gulp.
3. Liquids last. This includes drinks and any food that doesn't require chewing. Chewing makes the inevitably approaching need to swallow that much more arduous.
(4. When all else fails, pitch the leftovers out the window in an unattended moment or feed it to a cow on the street)

This led to a bit of a paradigm shift on what eating was and my mindset while eating. I thought about my food less, enjoyed and savored it less. My focus changed. You'd think I would have been very determined and goal oriented towards finishing my food. Interestingly, that wasn't the case. I can't exactly explain it, but I....I sort of just got into automatic pilot of finishing my food. I didn't focus on the end, I just ate until I reached the end without thinking about it.

I got ice cream once that had these horrible chewy gummy things (ew gummy) in it that would have been grounds to discard the food. I noticed that I didn't continue eating out of guilt, I continued eating out of habit.

My first couple meals at home, with significantly larger portions, I exhibited the same behavior. At one meal, I realized that portions were just so incredible that I literally would have made myself sick had I kept eating and had to force myself to regain awareness of how much I was eating such that I was able to stop myself from finishing.

Yet this posed a new dilemma. If I wasn't going to finish, when did I stop? There was a large buffer range of when I could possibly be considered full.

I remembered in the past, always just sort of knowing when to stop eating. Just as I had made a habit of not thinking about working on finishing, I'd previously lived a life of habit of not thinking about when to stop eating.

My paradigm hadn't shifted all the way back, and it took about a week of effort to get back in touch with my stomach capacity and forcing myself to try to be consistent on when to choose to stop eating.

I still feel like I'm eating more than "usual" and probably more than I should. It all tastes so good though! OH MY GOODNESS it feels so good to be nourished and healthy again! To feel my body strong and feel it soaking up the nutrients in the food!! Asparagus! Broccoli! Zucchini! Pasta! Salad! Chicken! Who cares if I've gained back those 12 pounds I lost, it feels GOOD! Yet, now that I'm healthy again, I recognize that it's time to exhibit some restraint; I don't need TWO plates of butter laden carrots at each meal....