My life: one year later

Where to start. Returning to the same place a year later definitely gives pause for some reflection and introspection. A lot of my thoughts are as yet un-nuanced with specific words and even more are somewhat disconnected. Even so, it’s sort of amazing to look back on the last year. It requires squinting hard to see way off into the distance, because SO MUCH has happened in the last year. It feels more like 5 years. I could go on for several paragraphs about all I’ve done in the last year; classes that have changed my…life, Model UN, work, transfer applications and acceptances (and wait-lists), research conference after research conference, it goes on and on. Not to mention all the experiences I’ve had outside of an institutional context, the things I’ve thought about, done, tried. The experiences had, the lessons learned. Love, lust, and loss. Surprising triumph, and pathetic failure. Great and amazing moments, moments of anguish and deep frustration.
It’s also interesting to see where I’m at with the people in my life a year later. The ups and downs I’ve been through with certain people. How close I’ve gotten to certain people. The people that have drifted away slightly. And the people that are in my life now that I didn’t even know existed this time last year. Wow.
One thing I seem to have found myself saying to myself over and over again throughout the last year is, “there is no way I could have done this a year ago.” And that’s been amazing and liberating to realize and watch myself doing all these things I never thought I could have done, which in turn has increased my self-efficacy to levels of being able to face daunting situations and say, “I can do this.” Some things over the year have been bigger and label worthy of “accomplishment” and other things are smaller personal victories that probably only I could appreciate fully. Regardless, I think I’m much more self-assured now. More strong, confident. Definitely a ton more independent. Still just as insatiably determined as ever, but now with more self-motivation and initiative, meaning I actually get up and make things happen rather than sitting around thinking about it forever. I’m still super lazy and undisciplined, but maybe more self-disciplined in some ways. I think my perception of the world has expanded in consequence, as I’ve grown more strong and confident, I’ve been able to branch out and be a lot of different places and meet a lot of people and have a wider variety of experiences. It still takes me a long while to trust people, but I think I’m growing less skeptical; people are…people. Human. And are usually willing to help and work together. Looking back on the “little girl” I was freshman year brings thoughts of being small and scared of the world in a lot of ways. Many of the same old frustrations and contradictions and complications of my life still prevail, I certainly have a very, very long way to go and a mile long list of things to work on, but at least I can somewhat see the ground I’ve covered in the last year. Now I need to stop gawking and marveling and keep trekking forward!